I have no more pride left, I have choked down my last bit. It's time for me to really get my shit together and grow up. And in order for me to do that I need to own up to my actions. I have fought myself along with others on the subject of me taking care of myself, well I'm here to admit it. Unfortunately you were right. My argument was; I have a job, and I'm paying my bills that is responsible, that's me taking care of myself. I paid for my rent, my utilities, and most of my groceries. However I also had my grandma slipping me cash on the side, buying me cd's, and putting gas in my car a lot. But I was paying my bills! Well I fell pretty hard when I was completely on my own. I didn't realize how much she helped me out, she didn't pay for my bills, but she did pay for most of my fun stuff. Reality slapped me in the face, I realized I couldn't afford to pay my bills and have the fun stuff too. Sad part is my realization came too late. I was already in debt, and I happened to be unemployed. After my car accident in '06 I went back to work at Kohls, but had a hard time keeping up cause my back was still pretty sore. Instead of doing the 'easy' jobs they offered I let my pride get the best of me and decided if I couldn't help unload the trucks I wasn't going to work there, and quit. From there it went down hill for me. Every job after that never lasted more than a couple months, I always used my back as an excuse. I did hurt, but if I had done the exercises the doctors told me to and stopped whining I could have stayed at any of those jobs. I also left a lot of the jobs because once again my pride got the best of me and I was embarrassed to be in my 20's and working at fast food with a bunch of teenagers. Then I announced me transition, hey a new excuse on why not to keep 'this job'!! and so the instability continues. After I quit Kohls Ginny and I decided to live together, not as a couple but as roommates. Obviously I wasn't the best roommate, with my lack of consistent income. We talked about going our separate ways, (living wise) a couple times, but never did. I thought it was cause she didn't want to live with out me! Lol just kidding. Honestly she wouldn't kick me out not because she couldn't live without me but because she has such a big heart and she knew, despite my stubborn-ness, that if we went our own ways I would fall flat on my face in a stinking pile of failure and end up on the streets. So we made stupid rules, like I clean the house or babysit Raven to make up for my part of the bills. None of this was fair to her, and I felt bad about it but didn't know how to change it. Especially being so stubborn and feeling ashamed of so many things.
I'm sure your thinking that when I did have an income, at least I paid what I could right? Nope, instead I tried to just make us happy. (The irresponsible way) I would take us out to expensive dinners, or buy flowers, or even the occasional expensive gift. All these are great thoughts, and seem like such a sweet thing to do. But not when I'm not paying my part of the bills to do so. I didn't put two and two together, I wasn't being sweet I was being an ass. By me buying all that stuff and not paying bills was the exact same as Ginny buying that stuff for herself. Suddenly my nice gestures aren't so nice. In fact I just burst my own bubble.
We finally decided we needed to live separately, mostly because of my responsibility issues that's when I moved to NC. I thought this was my chance to prove I can do it on my own, well things didn't go as planned. My buddy ended up coming with me. My dad helped me out with some cash, which paid for my half of the road trip and some groceries when we first got there. Then I was flat broke. My buddy gets money from the VA every month so we both figured we'd be fine until we got jobs. A month later he gets a job, but money was still scarce. I had no income, and he was paying not only for rent but the groceries too. About 2 weeks after that I got a job. I was convinced once I got a job I'd start paying my part, well then we came to 'an agreement' that I would only pay a certain amount per month, which was far from half. But since he had a job and the VA check and I only had a fast food job that paid shit, it made sense, right? NO! It wasn't fair to him, I was a horrible friend to do that. Ty I'm sorry, it wasn't fair to you at all, I should have paid my half of things.
On a good note I did grow up a little out there, I realized what I wanted out of life and how important some people were to my life. Ginny and I really opened up or communication, and fell in love with each other all over. It was great. I (we) were so happy. We decided to finally make the move to San Diego. At first I was flying in to Denver just for a couple days then heading to Cali to find a job and get on my feet. Well once again things changed, I got two jobs in Denver and made a deal that if I kept at least one until we left I'd stay. Well I didn't keep either, and not by lack of trying. I really tried at one of them, I knew how important it was. However, my manager and I could not get along if our lives depended on it! And yet I stayed in Colorado for two months with out a job. Once again I didn't hold my end of the bargain.
Now that we are in San Diego I'm trying my hardest to find a job, I'm unsuccessful thus far, and it's eating away at me. Ginny is paying for everything, and I have nothing to contribute. I have lost her trust and faith in me to do right by here. Of course I always have good intentions but that's not enough. I really hope it's not to late to mend things and prove I can come through. Actions speak louder than words, and my actions have sucked. My track record is horrible. I know I can fix it and I plan to. I feel like shit, I have been a horrible friend, a horrible roommate, and now a bad boyfriend.
I refuse to keep living like this. I am a good person at heart, I need to start showing it. I will pay my part and be responsible. I will not let her down again, I swear it. I will be a better person, not for her, but for me. I need this. I can not keep letting people take care of me. I need to know I can make it with out others. I don't need us to go our separate ways to prove this, I can do it with how things are, I just need a damn job!! Once I have a job (or two) then we both will see that I can keep my word and have financial stability. I just hope she has the patience for me. I'm going to do it. No more deals or bargains. Just me being an adult, and taking responsibility. My mind set has changed, I'm honestly tired of living like this. Not only is it not healthy for me, but it's not fair to those 'helping me'. I'm taking control of my life. I will not let my pride get the best of me! And I will mend my relationships with those I've hurt/taken advantage of as best as I can.
I would honestly like your opinion. Yes you, if you read this then tell me what you think. Even if you don't think I'll want to hear it. If you don't want to comment on here send me a message on FB. But I'd like to hear from my readers! :)
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You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Yes, there is a point in everyone's life where they need to learn to "do things on their own". However, that is sometimes unrealistic. You need to do everything you can to reach that goal, and it sounds like you are doing just that, but you (and Ginny) need to realize that these aren't the best times.
ReplyDeleteI think it is great that Ginny has the patience to help you during this time as I know many people who are struggling. Our generation are known for living at home for a reason, things aren't as they used to be. Unless you have a very high degree or have worked your ass off your entire life (which most of us haven't) then you will be struggling. The middle-class is shrinking.
The shouldn't be seen as an excuse. You still better be trying your hardest to help support Ginny and Raven. I know you will, because I know they both mean a lot to you. Ginny is strong and she would be strong with or without you, but I know she is stronger with you. We are all stronger with those we love.
Keep fighting the good fight.
I think the focus here is not on finances, but on responsibility for one's self and one's actions. Financial and the ability to hold a job just happen to be key indicators of that responsibility level, and as Justin pointed out, one of his weak points. Now, I understand that economic conditions play a large part in how difficult it may be to find a job; however, when you voluntarily quit job, after job, after job, the problem becomes less economic and more personal. I quit a very good job in Denver to move to San Diego. I know that economically it was a difficult time to make that transition, however I did have a job practically lined up before the move and I am making it work by not only supporting myself and my daughter, but Justin as well. This is where the responsibility part comes in. It's not about finances, it's about doing what is necessary to take care of yourself. I often get frustrated that the issue seems to revolve around money, but lack of money (or the lack of ability to manage money) causes huge strains on a relationship. When someone shows that they are no dependable (like changing jobs constantly) it makes it hard to trust and believe them when they say things will change. It has taken a lot of patience and love over the last three years. At some point that patience runs out. Justin and I have had many struggles over these years, but the biggest struggle has been with the responsibility and our differing views on life's priorities. It is good to hear that Justin is admitting the problems and working to fix them. It is also good to hear that I am not being unreasonable and that there are limits to everyone's patience. One way or another it will work out and hopefully we will all be better off in the end.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the very same things that Ginny said. Being responsible isn't about money. If you can't find a job find other was of carrying your own weight. Set a schedule for yourself. So much time a day (three days a week) looking for a job, putting in applications and such. So much time a day cleaning up around the house, offer to watch the youngster so Ginny can go out for a while. You may not be able to buy her presents but you can offer her time to herself if she needs or wants it. Being responsible means if you aren't working make the space you live in and the people you live with your top priority rather than making yourself, your wants or needs the priority. You can do this with out money, however once a job does open up for you, your priorities should remain the same. Others before self. It's a hard thing to do, but it's the grownup thing to do.
ReplyDeleteSomeone once told me, 'Now that your an adult you can go into a candy store and buy all you want, but because you are an adult you wont.'