I do not want to write this blog, and I do not want to make a video. I have put this off for a long time out of fear and embarrassment. The time has come, I need to stop running and trying to hide. I need to learn to be proud of me, embrace who I am, but how? I think this blog will be a good start, so here we go...
I always have been attracted to girls. I remember when I was little constantly wishing I was born a boy; I my life would be easier if I were just born a boy. I could wear the clothes I like, express myself without someone telling me "that is not lady like". I would be able to like girls and feel 'normal' I could be in a relationship and not worry about people judging me and talking badly behind my back, I could hang out with the guys and not be treated differently. If I were born a boy I could be happy. I tried to suppress my feelings for girls; I acted like I was attracted to guys, when around friends and family. I denied liking girls when family asked. I was always told it didn't matter if I liked girls, but the fact that they felt they needed to say that made me feel ashamed, I did not feel it was okay. Some people in my family are homophobic, and watching them make fun of people behind their backs made me want to suppress what I was feeling even more. I did not want them to think badly of me, I wanted them to just accept me and love me, but I didn't think they would if I liked girls. They wouldn't think badly of me liking girls if I were born a boy like I should have been.
I was teased a lot growing up for trying to express myself. The people that teased me didn't realize they were bullying me, they thought it was a joke, or they were trying to help me be more like a girl. All my life I have been told, that's a boy thing, only boys do that, you act like a boy, why do you want to look like a boy, close your legs you are a lady, don't do that boys act like that... It was very confusing and frustrating for me. I withdrew completely from friends and family. I wanted to disappear; I wished I were just born a boy.
In 2007 I had enough, was tired of people trying to make me more feminine I was tired of never feeling good enough. I still wished I were born a boy, maybe then my life wouldn't be so depressing. I did some research and found out about transgender, I thought this was the answer to my prayers...
It has been four and a half years since I came out as trans and started living my life as a boy. To my surprise the last four years have not been struggle free, I still feel lost. Living as transgender was not the answer I had been searching for. I still feel incomplete, I still feel not good enough. It does not matter how hard I try to be me, I just do not feel happy with me. I legally changed my name to Justin Derek, I needed a masculine name to prove I was a boy, I did not tolerate anyone using female pronouns, I left every job I had (fairly quickly) because believed they did not accept me as a male. Truth is I couldn't accept myself.
So I'm sitting here almost five years later, feeling as lost as I did in 2007. A while ago I brought up the topic of possibly using female pronouns again, but I was so scared of the expectations of being a girl. I do not feel good enough to be a girl, but I'm not male. I know everyone will tell me to just be me and I am good enough, well I don't feel like it. I lived 21 years surrounded by female expectations by everyone I encountered. That is hard to get over. I don't know how to be me and use female pronouns; they don't seem to go together for me. I am also very afraid of giving transgender a bad name; it is not a phase people go through. It is not girls trying to be boys. I was simply scared and didn't know what else to do, I made a wrong turn. I do not regret my decision; I needed these last four years. Living as male has let me express myself guilt free, the teasing has subsided, I stopped wanting to disappear, I stopped harming myself, and I have gained some confidence. The last four and half years saved my life. Now it is time to step out of this shadow and learn how to shine. This will be the end of my transgender journey; I am going to start a new blog for my new journey. I am closing this door and finally walking out of the door that has been patiently waiting for me. I am IronMan, you know... Fe-Male.
May 22, 2012
Dec 30, 2011
A better me
It's that time of year again, time to set unrealistic goals that we will only follow through with for a month or so. All I hear about is making this year different. Most people get so hyped up for the new year, they seems so motivated to make the next years resolutions last longer than the previous year. I hear people saying; " I'm going to set a new year's resolution and stick to it for more than a month!" Today on the radio, the dj's made their resolutions and set a goal for sticking to it until the 17th, what's the point in making a new year's resolution if you know you can't stick it our for a full year, instead you feel the need to set an alternative goal for a few weeks so you can feel proud. No one wants to feel disappointed in not achieving set goals, that's where the cheating starts. Personally I don't think that is a great way to start a new year, and this year I refuse to start on a negative note.
If you couldn't tell I don't like making new year's resolutions, I've done it in the past and like most others I've failed. I don't want to set my self up for failure this year, I really don't want to look back a year from now and reflect on how much I didn't meet my goals, how I could have done better. However in the spirit of New Years I've done just that, I've reflected on 2011 and realized how much more I could have done, I see how much better I could have been in different aspects of my life. This time I will not let the begining of the year be focused on weight loss or getting in shape, or making more money, or managing the money I do have better, or keeping my job. Those things I do through out the year, I don't need to make a resolution to do it. At the end of next year I want to be proud of the year I've had, not try to think of a new resolution I won't fail at. Instead of setting goals for next year that I know won't happen, I'm setting my self up for great achievment. I want to make a change in this world, and to quote one of my favorite artists; " If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make the change" I am going to do just that this year, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror I'm asking him to change his ways".
My New years resolution is to be a better person. I am going to take the time to volunteer more, to meet my goal I will volunteer at least three times in 2012. I will be more heroic, being more heroic I feel is more personal as far as measuring goes. I can't count each act of heroism, at the end of 2012 I want to be able to look back and honestly say I never turned my head and let something bad happen. I will be a better friend to those around me, I don't currently keep in touch with many people, so I'm going to make more of an effort to have a real connection with people, I will also take the time to contact my friends to say hi and keep in touch on a more regular basis. I will continue to have an open mind and heart. I am walking in to 2012 confident in myself and my goals. I know I will make a change for the better in this world, it may be the smallest of changes but it will be change. This time next year I will be 'WINNING' :) and that makes me happy. I'm excited to start the new year, bring it 2012!!
If you couldn't tell I don't like making new year's resolutions, I've done it in the past and like most others I've failed. I don't want to set my self up for failure this year, I really don't want to look back a year from now and reflect on how much I didn't meet my goals, how I could have done better. However in the spirit of New Years I've done just that, I've reflected on 2011 and realized how much more I could have done, I see how much better I could have been in different aspects of my life. This time I will not let the begining of the year be focused on weight loss or getting in shape, or making more money, or managing the money I do have better, or keeping my job. Those things I do through out the year, I don't need to make a resolution to do it. At the end of next year I want to be proud of the year I've had, not try to think of a new resolution I won't fail at. Instead of setting goals for next year that I know won't happen, I'm setting my self up for great achievment. I want to make a change in this world, and to quote one of my favorite artists; " If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make the change" I am going to do just that this year, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror I'm asking him to change his ways".
My New years resolution is to be a better person. I am going to take the time to volunteer more, to meet my goal I will volunteer at least three times in 2012. I will be more heroic, being more heroic I feel is more personal as far as measuring goes. I can't count each act of heroism, at the end of 2012 I want to be able to look back and honestly say I never turned my head and let something bad happen. I will be a better friend to those around me, I don't currently keep in touch with many people, so I'm going to make more of an effort to have a real connection with people, I will also take the time to contact my friends to say hi and keep in touch on a more regular basis. I will continue to have an open mind and heart. I am walking in to 2012 confident in myself and my goals. I know I will make a change for the better in this world, it may be the smallest of changes but it will be change. This time next year I will be 'WINNING' :) and that makes me happy. I'm excited to start the new year, bring it 2012!!
Dec 3, 2011
It's been a whole year, time for a blog update!
I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote a blog! Has it really been almost a year since I last posted a blog?? Time flies when you’re having fun, and I've been having a blast. I have been meaning to update everyone on the recent happenings of my amazing Cali life, but things keep popping up. I didn't realize how much time had passed until Ginny called me out in her last blog, lol. So much has happened in the last few months, I'm not really sure where to start... I think I'll start with my highlights of this summer and work my way to the present. Get ready for a novel!
Pride-
Mid July we went to San Diego Pride, I have never been to Pride before, I was excited to go weeks before the event, I even signed up to volunteer for the second day of the festival. I was really nervous to volunteer but in the end it was one of the best experiences I've ever had. The parade was one of my favorite parts, the parade was started by a group of motorcyclists, and the energy of the crowd was overwhelming and intoxicating. San Diego was the first Pride to have active military personnel walk in the parade, when those individuals entered the parade the crowed went crazy, I have never seen or felt anything like that. I was so proud to be a part of such a great community. I hope to volunteer more, every time there is a volunteer opportunity something comes up or I'm working, hopefully when things calm down at work after the holidays I will be able to be more active in the Pride organization. Honestly though I can't fully blame work, I really just need to step it up and get out there.
Denver-
After Raven's last day of kindergarten we flew out of San Diego to visit Denver for five days, at first I wasn't overly excited for the trip, I love San Diego and although I do miss some people I don't really miss Denver itself. Ginny had every moment there planned, she had a calendar of where we were going, when we would be there, and who we were going to see. This actually helped a lot with my anxiety, I knew what was going on and I wasn't so hesitant on going. By the time we were at the airport I was pretty excited to be going. Our arrival in Denver sucked, a lot. We arrived late at night, then had to wait in the car rental waiting area for two hours, what's the point of paying ahead of time if we still have to wait like everyone else? Finally we leave and head to the hotel, however when we get to the hotel we find the office is closed. After an extended conversation with the security and some night manager we are told there is nothing they can do for us. So we call Ginny's sister and luckily they were up and let us crash at their house for the night. We decided we were not going to stay at that hotel for the duration of our trip, but where to go?! We didn't want to intrude on Katrina's house they already had a full house, a couple of friends offered but with the three of us there really wasn't room for us, then my grandma offered her spare bedroom, this worked well because Raven loved playing with her and with a spare bedroom we didn't feel like a huge inconvenience. My grandma loved having us there, and it was great to spend time with her. While in Denver we went out EVERY night, I didn't realize we (Ginny) had so many friends to see! It was an eye opener for me too, although I do consider many of Ginny's friends a friend of mine too, I was kind of disappointed that none of my personal friends had come to hang out. Before I left San Diego I had a few friends message me saying how excited they were to hang out again, but when it came down to it, I felt stood up. I did get to see my cousin Siobhan though, she made an extra effort to stop by a club just to say hi, that meant more to me than she will ever know, she is a great person, and I was so happy she came by to say hi. :) I also got to spend some time with my mom and brother, I can't believe how much Mateo has grown, I miss him so much! Hopefully he'll make a trip out to San Diego so I can show him around and have some fun. I really miss how close we were, I'm sure one day we'll have that bond again. I also had lunch with my dad while in Denver, we tend to have a rocky relationship, but during this lunch I got a lot of things cleared up and now feel better about our relationship. Overall the trip to Denver went well, it was great to see friends again, and especially Chris, Josh, and Becky these fellow rockstars are always a lot of fun to party with :) I do have to send a big shout out to Amy, she watched our little zoo for us while we were in Denver, Gambler had a blast with her and Julian at the park, so thank you Amy!
My birthday-
Ginny had tormented me about some big birthday surprise for months prior to my birthday, FINALLY my birthday rolled around and I still had no idea what we were doing. She had us get dressed up, and we went downtown. I didn't realize what show I was going to see until I was in the civic theater and saw the t-shirt stand for THE BLUE MAN GROUP!! I was completely caught off guard, I was so surprised I just about cried, it took everything I had to not let a tear fall, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop lol. I have wanted to see the Blue Man Group since I was a kid. I couldn't believe I was actually going to see them live! Then we get to our seats... AMAZING! The show was such an incredible experience, one I will always remember. After the show we waited in the lobby for a few minutes and the guys came out, I actually got to take a picture with the Blue Man Group! I felt like a little kid, I asked one of them to put a blue print on my cheek :) After all that excitement, Ginny had reservations at the Melting Pot, this is not only Savanna's top pick, but Ginny and I's too. Best birthday ever, this birthday was a dream come true for me. Thank you so much Ginny, I love you. On top of all that excitement, my mom bought me a new phone for my birthday! I'm rockin the new Samsung Droid Charge.
Savanna Raven-
Miss Savanna Raven has a lot going on with ballet and making it in to the Nutcracker, most of our spare time not working on the weekends is dedicated to her ballet school. In Savanna Raven's free time she loves to make videos, she recently made a video about how we can be more heroic and what we all can do to help put an end to bullying. She is so insightful for her age, and so open minded! Just being around her, she inspires me to be the best person I can be. Her life is about being a good person and taking care of the environment. She has fully dedicated herself to being a vegetarian, and would happily be vegan if it were up to her. She cares so much about animals and their well-being, as wells as people in general. She has mentioned on many occasions how she wants to build houses for people who are homeless and sleep on the streets. Last year, in kindergarten, her school hosted a fundraiser for the people in Japan affected by the earth quake and tsunami, when she learned that some people lost everything they had, she came home emptied her piggy bank, and asked for all of my money I had in the house to send to Japan. She had been saving for quite some time to buy herself a toy she wanted, all of that went out of the window when she saw people in need. She wants to make a difference and she's only 6! Kids like her give me hope for our future generations. She inspires me on a daily basis to be the best person I can be.
The Princess and I-
Ginny and I are doing great, well according to me anyway ;) haha seriously though, working opposite hours seems to work for us, not seeing each other as often makes us appreciate the time we have together. She is busy with work, school, volunteering for the Zoo, and Savanna Raven’s school and ballet. I’m feeling overwhelmed with work and school, I don’t know how she piles so much on her plate! We are still constantly pranking each other, most times we update our Facebook with the latest, but honestly I don’t think a day goes by in this house without one of us (including Raven) jumping out to scare someone. This is what keeps our home life interesting. There really isn’t much new with Ginny and I, I’m sure one day I’ll get her to marry me, but for now she is sticking to not making a commitment until we’re 80… we’ll see if she can really hold out that long. I am pretty loveable after all
Well, I told you it was going to be a novel, be sure to check back for the second part of the series. Honestly I really would love to write more, I enjoy it but I don’t feel like I have time. School takes up a lot of time because I haven’t figured out how to manage my time very well. I will definitely work on this so that I can write shorter blogs about current events in my life, maybe I’ll try a blog every month. I don’t often let people in or share details of my life, and I want to be more open so I am really going to try to write more. I feel comfortable writing about me and my life, as opposed to talking to people, I’d much rather listen to others when in a social setting. So if you don’t hear from in by the first of the year, feel free to message me and hold me to my promise to write more
Thanks for reading! Much love to you all!
Pride-
Mid July we went to San Diego Pride, I have never been to Pride before, I was excited to go weeks before the event, I even signed up to volunteer for the second day of the festival. I was really nervous to volunteer but in the end it was one of the best experiences I've ever had. The parade was one of my favorite parts, the parade was started by a group of motorcyclists, and the energy of the crowd was overwhelming and intoxicating. San Diego was the first Pride to have active military personnel walk in the parade, when those individuals entered the parade the crowed went crazy, I have never seen or felt anything like that. I was so proud to be a part of such a great community. I hope to volunteer more, every time there is a volunteer opportunity something comes up or I'm working, hopefully when things calm down at work after the holidays I will be able to be more active in the Pride organization. Honestly though I can't fully blame work, I really just need to step it up and get out there.
Denver-
After Raven's last day of kindergarten we flew out of San Diego to visit Denver for five days, at first I wasn't overly excited for the trip, I love San Diego and although I do miss some people I don't really miss Denver itself. Ginny had every moment there planned, she had a calendar of where we were going, when we would be there, and who we were going to see. This actually helped a lot with my anxiety, I knew what was going on and I wasn't so hesitant on going. By the time we were at the airport I was pretty excited to be going. Our arrival in Denver sucked, a lot. We arrived late at night, then had to wait in the car rental waiting area for two hours, what's the point of paying ahead of time if we still have to wait like everyone else? Finally we leave and head to the hotel, however when we get to the hotel we find the office is closed. After an extended conversation with the security and some night manager we are told there is nothing they can do for us. So we call Ginny's sister and luckily they were up and let us crash at their house for the night. We decided we were not going to stay at that hotel for the duration of our trip, but where to go?! We didn't want to intrude on Katrina's house they already had a full house, a couple of friends offered but with the three of us there really wasn't room for us, then my grandma offered her spare bedroom, this worked well because Raven loved playing with her and with a spare bedroom we didn't feel like a huge inconvenience. My grandma loved having us there, and it was great to spend time with her. While in Denver we went out EVERY night, I didn't realize we (Ginny) had so many friends to see! It was an eye opener for me too, although I do consider many of Ginny's friends a friend of mine too, I was kind of disappointed that none of my personal friends had come to hang out. Before I left San Diego I had a few friends message me saying how excited they were to hang out again, but when it came down to it, I felt stood up. I did get to see my cousin Siobhan though, she made an extra effort to stop by a club just to say hi, that meant more to me than she will ever know, she is a great person, and I was so happy she came by to say hi. :) I also got to spend some time with my mom and brother, I can't believe how much Mateo has grown, I miss him so much! Hopefully he'll make a trip out to San Diego so I can show him around and have some fun. I really miss how close we were, I'm sure one day we'll have that bond again. I also had lunch with my dad while in Denver, we tend to have a rocky relationship, but during this lunch I got a lot of things cleared up and now feel better about our relationship. Overall the trip to Denver went well, it was great to see friends again, and especially Chris, Josh, and Becky these fellow rockstars are always a lot of fun to party with :) I do have to send a big shout out to Amy, she watched our little zoo for us while we were in Denver, Gambler had a blast with her and Julian at the park, so thank you Amy!
My birthday-
Ginny had tormented me about some big birthday surprise for months prior to my birthday, FINALLY my birthday rolled around and I still had no idea what we were doing. She had us get dressed up, and we went downtown. I didn't realize what show I was going to see until I was in the civic theater and saw the t-shirt stand for THE BLUE MAN GROUP!! I was completely caught off guard, I was so surprised I just about cried, it took everything I had to not let a tear fall, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop lol. I have wanted to see the Blue Man Group since I was a kid. I couldn't believe I was actually going to see them live! Then we get to our seats... AMAZING! The show was such an incredible experience, one I will always remember. After the show we waited in the lobby for a few minutes and the guys came out, I actually got to take a picture with the Blue Man Group! I felt like a little kid, I asked one of them to put a blue print on my cheek :) After all that excitement, Ginny had reservations at the Melting Pot, this is not only Savanna's top pick, but Ginny and I's too. Best birthday ever, this birthday was a dream come true for me. Thank you so much Ginny, I love you. On top of all that excitement, my mom bought me a new phone for my birthday! I'm rockin the new Samsung Droid Charge.
Savanna Raven-
Miss Savanna Raven has a lot going on with ballet and making it in to the Nutcracker, most of our spare time not working on the weekends is dedicated to her ballet school. In Savanna Raven's free time she loves to make videos, she recently made a video about how we can be more heroic and what we all can do to help put an end to bullying. She is so insightful for her age, and so open minded! Just being around her, she inspires me to be the best person I can be. Her life is about being a good person and taking care of the environment. She has fully dedicated herself to being a vegetarian, and would happily be vegan if it were up to her. She cares so much about animals and their well-being, as wells as people in general. She has mentioned on many occasions how she wants to build houses for people who are homeless and sleep on the streets. Last year, in kindergarten, her school hosted a fundraiser for the people in Japan affected by the earth quake and tsunami, when she learned that some people lost everything they had, she came home emptied her piggy bank, and asked for all of my money I had in the house to send to Japan. She had been saving for quite some time to buy herself a toy she wanted, all of that went out of the window when she saw people in need. She wants to make a difference and she's only 6! Kids like her give me hope for our future generations. She inspires me on a daily basis to be the best person I can be.
The Princess and I-
Ginny and I are doing great, well according to me anyway ;) haha seriously though, working opposite hours seems to work for us, not seeing each other as often makes us appreciate the time we have together. She is busy with work, school, volunteering for the Zoo, and Savanna Raven’s school and ballet. I’m feeling overwhelmed with work and school, I don’t know how she piles so much on her plate! We are still constantly pranking each other, most times we update our Facebook with the latest, but honestly I don’t think a day goes by in this house without one of us (including Raven) jumping out to scare someone. This is what keeps our home life interesting. There really isn’t much new with Ginny and I, I’m sure one day I’ll get her to marry me, but for now she is sticking to not making a commitment until we’re 80… we’ll see if she can really hold out that long. I am pretty loveable after all
Well, I told you it was going to be a novel, be sure to check back for the second part of the series. Honestly I really would love to write more, I enjoy it but I don’t feel like I have time. School takes up a lot of time because I haven’t figured out how to manage my time very well. I will definitely work on this so that I can write shorter blogs about current events in my life, maybe I’ll try a blog every month. I don’t often let people in or share details of my life, and I want to be more open so I am really going to try to write more. I feel comfortable writing about me and my life, as opposed to talking to people, I’d much rather listen to others when in a social setting. So if you don’t hear from in by the first of the year, feel free to message me and hold me to my promise to write more
Thanks for reading! Much love to you all!
Dec 30, 2010
No T for Me
I find myself questioning if going through hormone therapy (aka Testosterone or T) is the best option for me. This isn't a recent dilemma; I've hesitated about wanting to take T since I came out in 2007. I feel like taking T should be part of my transition, honestly I fear not being a legit Transman without testosterone. It sounds silly when I say that out loud because I know testosterone doesn't define me as a man, but it's how I feel sometimes.
I am proud of the changes and improvements I have made over the years. In 2007 when I came out, if someone dared to mistake me for a female I would become so defensive I think I almost offended them, and it would literally ruin my entire day. Many times I was brought to tears that people didn't see me as the male I was trying so hard to show them. The mistakes haven't decreased like I thought they had, but instead I have become more comfortable with who I am. I am generally seen and referred to as male, but because of my voice I notice I confuse people and then referred to as female the next time they use a pronoun when talking about me. If it's someone I have continuous contact with, such as coworkers or neighbors, I correct them, but when it comes to customers at work I tend not to correct anymore. I am there simply as a service, if I give them information about a product and they turn around to their party and say "she just said..." I just leave it. No sense on following them correcting them announcing “I AM MALE!” just to fix a pronoun that will only confuse and possibly start an unnecessary apology/awkwardness. Occasionally I have a customer approach me saying 'sir' then when I talk they'll apologize and say 'she,' then I do let them know they were correct the first time. I always get this confused look, followed by a complete look me up and down, 'what are you' kind of look. It does make me uncomfortable but not as much as it used to. The more comfortable I become in my own skin the less awkward those situations are. By choosing not to go on T, I know I will continue to go through situations like this, but even if I did do T, it won’t make my voice deep like a bio male, like I want. I will still have a 'different' voice. I don't want the voice I have yet I'm afraid to change it; I'm terrified I won't like my new voice. I don't want a scratchy voice that sounds robotic. So as of right now weighing the pros and cons of my voice and the voice T will give me, I am choosing my voice. I may not like it, but I know I'll be devastated if I don't like the voice I have after starting T. I have a friend who has a quote on their facebook that I really love: "It doesn't matter what people call you, it's what you answer to." I find this quote meaningful in many ways, so thank you Randy!! :)
I thought I wanted most of what T has to offer and only few things I didn't want, however the more I think about it the more I realize it's the complete opposite. I only partially want a few things hormone therapy has to offer, the rest just isn't for me. Hormone therapy offers a deeper voice; increased muscle mass and upper body strength; increased growth, coarseness, and thickness of hair on arms, legs, chest, back, and abdomen; growth of clitoris which increases sex drive; vaginal dryness; menstrual period comes to a stop; redistribution of body fat to fit a more masculine pattern such as more fat around the waist, less around the hips; and male pattern balding. The only things that really catch my attention are a deeper voice, muscle mass, and stopping the menstrual cycle. I don’t want a higher sex drive. Let’s face it, I don’t get it much anyway, why would I want to want it more often! haha. The side effects T gives are not only life altering but can be life threatening. In the beginning I was all for risking everything about myself for a 'new me.' Now? Not so much. While I'm still producing estrogen, if I then start pumping myself with testosterone, it can do some serious damage to my internal parts such as: uterus cancer, liver damage, blood pressure issues, yeast infections, breast cancer, clotting issues, and several other side effects. When I was in my teens I was on Acutain for my acne. That med is really hard on your liver, and being on T is also really tough on your liver, last I checked my liver is fine, but I'm worried about my insides being trashed just so I can be hairy everywhere, have a voice I may not like, and get some extra upper body muscle which I could most likely get on my own. It's not easy to get 'approved' to take hormone therapy. Not only would I need a letter from a psychiatrist diagnosing me with Gender Identity Disorder, but I would also need a TON of blood work and tests done before any doctor will clear me to get started. Then once on T, I would have to go back often to have my blood work re-done to make sure the testosterone isn't damaging everything. I would be giving myself shots everyday for the rest of my life, and constantly in for blood work to keep an eye on my liver along everything else. I just don't think it's worth it for me. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars for a body/voice I'm not going to love. I can build my own muscle mass, it may take a little longer and a ton of dedication but it's very plausible, and as for the voice, I guess I'll just have to get used to mine.
I have struggled a lot in the past with 'needing' people to see my relationship as a heterosexual relationship, but as I grow more confident in myself, the need for people to view my personal life is less of a worry to me. I am not always 100% comfortable with people viewing my relationship as a lesbian relationship but I think I can come around to the point where it truly doesn't matter what strangers/acquaintances think. I honestly think I can be ok with others viewing me however they choose to. I present myself as male to the fullest, if they choose to judge then that's on them. I don't need to be referred to as her boyfriend, I'm ok with being her partner. As long as I have her and we understand what we have, that's what matters to me.
I COULD do nothing medically (no surgery, no drugs, no nothing) and still be Trans. I have read other blogs where people flat out admit that they are trans, identify as male (or female) but have no intentions on changing anything. That's just who they are and they are ok with that. I have really thought about it and I have to ask myself if I'm ok with putting mascara on my 'whiskers' when I do want noticeable facial hair, and actually I am. I don't want to be full of hair, so a little mustache is right up my alley lol. By doing nothing medically I feel this is the healthiest route for me, not only physically but emotionally as well. I don't know if I'll be able to afford T for the rest of my life and going on and off just doesn't seem beneficial to my body, I'm worried it would really mess things up hormonally. There aren't very many studies on what hormone therapy does to transmen long term, the long term effects I have read up on are not good for anyone's body. Injecting something un-natural is bound to take its toll on the body. This is just my personal decision, other trans friends I have who have started T or are about to, I am truly happy for them. This is what is best for them personally, it's their choice and I think if it makes them happy then good for them! We are all on our own journey, it's an emotionally similar journey but we all take different paths. My path isn't leading me to hormone therapy, at least not at this stage in my life. I will still get my top surgery when I can afford it, and after I get my letter from a psychiatrist. But after the surgery, I will be done. My transition will not be over, as there is always something to work and improve on, but medically, my transition will end there.
I am proud of the changes and improvements I have made over the years. In 2007 when I came out, if someone dared to mistake me for a female I would become so defensive I think I almost offended them, and it would literally ruin my entire day. Many times I was brought to tears that people didn't see me as the male I was trying so hard to show them. The mistakes haven't decreased like I thought they had, but instead I have become more comfortable with who I am. I am generally seen and referred to as male, but because of my voice I notice I confuse people and then referred to as female the next time they use a pronoun when talking about me. If it's someone I have continuous contact with, such as coworkers or neighbors, I correct them, but when it comes to customers at work I tend not to correct anymore. I am there simply as a service, if I give them information about a product and they turn around to their party and say "she just said..." I just leave it. No sense on following them correcting them announcing “I AM MALE!” just to fix a pronoun that will only confuse and possibly start an unnecessary apology/awkwardness. Occasionally I have a customer approach me saying 'sir' then when I talk they'll apologize and say 'she,' then I do let them know they were correct the first time. I always get this confused look, followed by a complete look me up and down, 'what are you' kind of look. It does make me uncomfortable but not as much as it used to. The more comfortable I become in my own skin the less awkward those situations are. By choosing not to go on T, I know I will continue to go through situations like this, but even if I did do T, it won’t make my voice deep like a bio male, like I want. I will still have a 'different' voice. I don't want the voice I have yet I'm afraid to change it; I'm terrified I won't like my new voice. I don't want a scratchy voice that sounds robotic. So as of right now weighing the pros and cons of my voice and the voice T will give me, I am choosing my voice. I may not like it, but I know I'll be devastated if I don't like the voice I have after starting T. I have a friend who has a quote on their facebook that I really love: "It doesn't matter what people call you, it's what you answer to." I find this quote meaningful in many ways, so thank you Randy!! :)
I thought I wanted most of what T has to offer and only few things I didn't want, however the more I think about it the more I realize it's the complete opposite. I only partially want a few things hormone therapy has to offer, the rest just isn't for me. Hormone therapy offers a deeper voice; increased muscle mass and upper body strength; increased growth, coarseness, and thickness of hair on arms, legs, chest, back, and abdomen; growth of clitoris which increases sex drive; vaginal dryness; menstrual period comes to a stop; redistribution of body fat to fit a more masculine pattern such as more fat around the waist, less around the hips; and male pattern balding. The only things that really catch my attention are a deeper voice, muscle mass, and stopping the menstrual cycle. I don’t want a higher sex drive. Let’s face it, I don’t get it much anyway, why would I want to want it more often! haha. The side effects T gives are not only life altering but can be life threatening. In the beginning I was all for risking everything about myself for a 'new me.' Now? Not so much. While I'm still producing estrogen, if I then start pumping myself with testosterone, it can do some serious damage to my internal parts such as: uterus cancer, liver damage, blood pressure issues, yeast infections, breast cancer, clotting issues, and several other side effects. When I was in my teens I was on Acutain for my acne. That med is really hard on your liver, and being on T is also really tough on your liver, last I checked my liver is fine, but I'm worried about my insides being trashed just so I can be hairy everywhere, have a voice I may not like, and get some extra upper body muscle which I could most likely get on my own. It's not easy to get 'approved' to take hormone therapy. Not only would I need a letter from a psychiatrist diagnosing me with Gender Identity Disorder, but I would also need a TON of blood work and tests done before any doctor will clear me to get started. Then once on T, I would have to go back often to have my blood work re-done to make sure the testosterone isn't damaging everything. I would be giving myself shots everyday for the rest of my life, and constantly in for blood work to keep an eye on my liver along everything else. I just don't think it's worth it for me. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars for a body/voice I'm not going to love. I can build my own muscle mass, it may take a little longer and a ton of dedication but it's very plausible, and as for the voice, I guess I'll just have to get used to mine.
I have struggled a lot in the past with 'needing' people to see my relationship as a heterosexual relationship, but as I grow more confident in myself, the need for people to view my personal life is less of a worry to me. I am not always 100% comfortable with people viewing my relationship as a lesbian relationship but I think I can come around to the point where it truly doesn't matter what strangers/acquaintances think. I honestly think I can be ok with others viewing me however they choose to. I present myself as male to the fullest, if they choose to judge then that's on them. I don't need to be referred to as her boyfriend, I'm ok with being her partner. As long as I have her and we understand what we have, that's what matters to me.
I COULD do nothing medically (no surgery, no drugs, no nothing) and still be Trans. I have read other blogs where people flat out admit that they are trans, identify as male (or female) but have no intentions on changing anything. That's just who they are and they are ok with that. I have really thought about it and I have to ask myself if I'm ok with putting mascara on my 'whiskers' when I do want noticeable facial hair, and actually I am. I don't want to be full of hair, so a little mustache is right up my alley lol. By doing nothing medically I feel this is the healthiest route for me, not only physically but emotionally as well. I don't know if I'll be able to afford T for the rest of my life and going on and off just doesn't seem beneficial to my body, I'm worried it would really mess things up hormonally. There aren't very many studies on what hormone therapy does to transmen long term, the long term effects I have read up on are not good for anyone's body. Injecting something un-natural is bound to take its toll on the body. This is just my personal decision, other trans friends I have who have started T or are about to, I am truly happy for them. This is what is best for them personally, it's their choice and I think if it makes them happy then good for them! We are all on our own journey, it's an emotionally similar journey but we all take different paths. My path isn't leading me to hormone therapy, at least not at this stage in my life. I will still get my top surgery when I can afford it, and after I get my letter from a psychiatrist. But after the surgery, I will be done. My transition will not be over, as there is always something to work and improve on, but medically, my transition will end there.
Nov 25, 2010
I'm a thankful Justin
Growing up Thanksgiving was always about getting the whole family together for the whole day, making a feast, and eating together. We always had the football lovers in front of the TV, the ladies in the kitchen cooking and talking, and the kids running around like crazy. Everyone put their differences aside and we all came together as a family. Now things are different, some have gone their separate ways, and others don't talk, and some have disowned one another. They have their reasons and I respect that, but they taught me a very valuable lesson; cherish your loved ones today because you don't know what the future holds.
I am thankful for many things, but I'm extremely thankful for all of my loved ones in my life.
I couldn't ask for a better life partner :) she accepts all of my flaws and loves my strengths. She has the best daughter Savanna Raven, who can light up a room with her smile, just like her mama. she's so smart and becoming a very well rounded person.
Becky has always supported me and is never afraid to tell me the truth and not sugar coated :)
Ty is my best buddy, we've been through a lot and still know that when it comes downs to it, we have each others back no matter what.
Melissa and I have known each other for many years! We may not talk often but when we do it feels like we haven't missed a beat.
Melissa and Randy are the one's I know I can go to on facebook if I ever need any help with finding a great vegetarian meal :)
The Sorensen family has always accepted me as apart of the family, no questions asked. Mari and Don are great people and I'm happy to have them in my life :)
JD, Candice, Katrina, Eddie, and of course Ty are all like brothers and sisters to me. We may bicker but it's all in good fun.
My dad and I have had a lot of ups and downs, but we have finally reached a middle ground. We are a lot alike and I'm very happy to have him apart of my life.
I'm also Thankful for reconnecting with my mom, step-dad John, my little brother Mateo, and my grandma. I look forward to building a stronger relationship with each of them.
I'm obviously thankful for Facebook, it has made it easy for me to keep in contact with friends I made in NC (Cheryl!) and I have met some great people on there! You guys make my day, even if some of you *cough*Nikki*cough* tease me for the Broncos not always being the best team they could be. I am thankful for all of you! :)
In my opinion Thanksgiving is about putting your differences aside, coming together as a family, and spending time with those you love. Making new memories and making your own unique family traditions. I plan on carrying on some traditions but always making sure there's room to make new traditions, 'cause what is life if you don't keep it new and exciting! I may be in California but I still spent it with my loved ones, of course my girls were with me and the rest I saw via skype :)
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and spent it with those who mean the most.
I am thankful for many things, but I'm extremely thankful for all of my loved ones in my life.
I couldn't ask for a better life partner :) she accepts all of my flaws and loves my strengths. She has the best daughter Savanna Raven, who can light up a room with her smile, just like her mama. she's so smart and becoming a very well rounded person.
Becky has always supported me and is never afraid to tell me the truth and not sugar coated :)
Ty is my best buddy, we've been through a lot and still know that when it comes downs to it, we have each others back no matter what.
Melissa and I have known each other for many years! We may not talk often but when we do it feels like we haven't missed a beat.
Melissa and Randy are the one's I know I can go to on facebook if I ever need any help with finding a great vegetarian meal :)
The Sorensen family has always accepted me as apart of the family, no questions asked. Mari and Don are great people and I'm happy to have them in my life :)
JD, Candice, Katrina, Eddie, and of course Ty are all like brothers and sisters to me. We may bicker but it's all in good fun.
My dad and I have had a lot of ups and downs, but we have finally reached a middle ground. We are a lot alike and I'm very happy to have him apart of my life.
I'm also Thankful for reconnecting with my mom, step-dad John, my little brother Mateo, and my grandma. I look forward to building a stronger relationship with each of them.
I'm obviously thankful for Facebook, it has made it easy for me to keep in contact with friends I made in NC (Cheryl!) and I have met some great people on there! You guys make my day, even if some of you *cough*Nikki*cough* tease me for the Broncos not always being the best team they could be. I am thankful for all of you! :)
In my opinion Thanksgiving is about putting your differences aside, coming together as a family, and spending time with those you love. Making new memories and making your own unique family traditions. I plan on carrying on some traditions but always making sure there's room to make new traditions, 'cause what is life if you don't keep it new and exciting! I may be in California but I still spent it with my loved ones, of course my girls were with me and the rest I saw via skype :)
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and spent it with those who mean the most.
Nov 4, 2010
Over due update!
I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog! So much has gone on, I don't know where to start... So let's start from the beginning. I am now a resident of San Diego, CA! :) despite my lack on CA drivers license, but I have a library card! Lol I just haven't found the time to get up to the DMV, but I'll get up there eventually.
Moving to San Diego was a fun adventure, but August and the first part of September were rough. It took me all of August to find a job, finally I was hired on at Kohls, I was cross trained within the month which is good, hopefully that will result in more hours. On a much better note, we are all settled in and enjoying San Diego as much as we can. Every weekend we make a point to do some type of adventure, whether its the beach, dog beach, Balboa park (we have year round passes to the zoo,sea world,and wild animal park!!) ... Its always something fun! My favorite so far is the beach and sea world :)
My birthday was fantastic, we went to the Zoo for the first time, then to Mission beach! We played for the whole evening and watched the sunset. Ginny gave me a Chargers jersey :) and a new binder! I had a binder back in '07, and I honestly don't really know why I tossed it, I got to a point where I thought I didn't 'need' it. I lost some weight and just wore a little bigger shirts so you couldn't see my chest. I hated clothing being tight on me and touching me, and well a binder does all that and more lol I had a rough time in '07 accepting myself in a various of ways. But now in '10 I'm pretty happy with myself! I do wear the binder to work, it makes me feel more comfortable. Now I can wear shirts my size and I think I look/dress much better. My jeans aren't falling off of me, in fact I wear a belt and my back pockets are on my butt! haha but seriously the more confident and comfortable I become with myself the more I feel at ease with dressing the way I like.
Speaking of binders, I love mine yet I'm scared of it. Wearing a binder consistently can cause a lot of damage to a body. I've seen some guys who wear their binder everyday all day long, and the end results leave them with deformed ribs. Granted it's like everything else, too much of anything is bad for you, but binders really do restrict breathing to a point. I can tell when I'm really busy at work and running around trying to get everything done, at the end of the night my chest it tight, and when I get home and take it off I'm a little sore. I really try to restrict my self to only wearing it for a few hours, and try even harder to never wear it more than 8 hours, however a couple weeks ago I got caught up in my day and ended up staying late at work so I didn't get the chance to take it off, I wore it for almost 12 hours. I was SO sore!! Actually it scared me at how sore I was, I made myself not put my binder on despite needing to go to work for a few days until ALL the sore-ness was gone. I've learned and plan ahead, if I think I may get stuck somewhere and not be able to get home to take it off, I take a backpack with a extra shirt I feel more comfortable wearing with out a binder. Wearing a binder has it's pros and cons, but I like the pros, and I'm being careful to avoid the cons.
I've decided I'm really going to get my butt in gear and work out! This isn't a weight loss thing by any means, I want muscle definition. I'm really starting to eat so much more healthier, and by adding some healthy exercise, I'll be at my goal in no time! When I work out, I lose some of my chest and that makes me happy. I also gain muscle definition in my arms and stomach, and that also makes me happy. I will never be perfect, there's no such thing. I actually heard a great saying once that made me laugh and think it was so on point;
Well that's all the excited news for now, I will be much better about posting more then a quarterly update. lol
Thanks for stalking! And don't forget to click those buttons below :)
Moving to San Diego was a fun adventure, but August and the first part of September were rough. It took me all of August to find a job, finally I was hired on at Kohls, I was cross trained within the month which is good, hopefully that will result in more hours. On a much better note, we are all settled in and enjoying San Diego as much as we can. Every weekend we make a point to do some type of adventure, whether its the beach, dog beach, Balboa park (we have year round passes to the zoo,sea world,and wild animal park!!) ... Its always something fun! My favorite so far is the beach and sea world :)
My birthday was fantastic, we went to the Zoo for the first time, then to Mission beach! We played for the whole evening and watched the sunset. Ginny gave me a Chargers jersey :) and a new binder! I had a binder back in '07, and I honestly don't really know why I tossed it, I got to a point where I thought I didn't 'need' it. I lost some weight and just wore a little bigger shirts so you couldn't see my chest. I hated clothing being tight on me and touching me, and well a binder does all that and more lol I had a rough time in '07 accepting myself in a various of ways. But now in '10 I'm pretty happy with myself! I do wear the binder to work, it makes me feel more comfortable. Now I can wear shirts my size and I think I look/dress much better. My jeans aren't falling off of me, in fact I wear a belt and my back pockets are on my butt! haha but seriously the more confident and comfortable I become with myself the more I feel at ease with dressing the way I like.
Speaking of binders, I love mine yet I'm scared of it. Wearing a binder consistently can cause a lot of damage to a body. I've seen some guys who wear their binder everyday all day long, and the end results leave them with deformed ribs. Granted it's like everything else, too much of anything is bad for you, but binders really do restrict breathing to a point. I can tell when I'm really busy at work and running around trying to get everything done, at the end of the night my chest it tight, and when I get home and take it off I'm a little sore. I really try to restrict my self to only wearing it for a few hours, and try even harder to never wear it more than 8 hours, however a couple weeks ago I got caught up in my day and ended up staying late at work so I didn't get the chance to take it off, I wore it for almost 12 hours. I was SO sore!! Actually it scared me at how sore I was, I made myself not put my binder on despite needing to go to work for a few days until ALL the sore-ness was gone. I've learned and plan ahead, if I think I may get stuck somewhere and not be able to get home to take it off, I take a backpack with a extra shirt I feel more comfortable wearing with out a binder. Wearing a binder has it's pros and cons, but I like the pros, and I'm being careful to avoid the cons.
I've decided I'm really going to get my butt in gear and work out! This isn't a weight loss thing by any means, I want muscle definition. I'm really starting to eat so much more healthier, and by adding some healthy exercise, I'll be at my goal in no time! When I work out, I lose some of my chest and that makes me happy. I also gain muscle definition in my arms and stomach, and that also makes me happy. I will never be perfect, there's no such thing. I actually heard a great saying once that made me laugh and think it was so on point;
...Because by striving to be perfect, we just might reach half-ass! If we only go for just good enough, we wont even get to half-ass! ... and to die like that, my dear friends, would be worse than licking a salty substance off some large mammals testiclesYou may laugh but it really has a point! And since I don't want to die like that, I'm going to strive to be as perfect as I can be :)
Well that's all the excited news for now, I will be much better about posting more then a quarterly update. lol
Thanks for stalking! And don't forget to click those buttons below :)
Aug 19, 2010
Admitting the problem is the first step, right?
I have no more pride left, I have choked down my last bit. It's time for me to really get my shit together and grow up. And in order for me to do that I need to own up to my actions. I have fought myself along with others on the subject of me taking care of myself, well I'm here to admit it. Unfortunately you were right. My argument was; I have a job, and I'm paying my bills that is responsible, that's me taking care of myself. I paid for my rent, my utilities, and most of my groceries. However I also had my grandma slipping me cash on the side, buying me cd's, and putting gas in my car a lot. But I was paying my bills! Well I fell pretty hard when I was completely on my own. I didn't realize how much she helped me out, she didn't pay for my bills, but she did pay for most of my fun stuff. Reality slapped me in the face, I realized I couldn't afford to pay my bills and have the fun stuff too. Sad part is my realization came too late. I was already in debt, and I happened to be unemployed. After my car accident in '06 I went back to work at Kohls, but had a hard time keeping up cause my back was still pretty sore. Instead of doing the 'easy' jobs they offered I let my pride get the best of me and decided if I couldn't help unload the trucks I wasn't going to work there, and quit. From there it went down hill for me. Every job after that never lasted more than a couple months, I always used my back as an excuse. I did hurt, but if I had done the exercises the doctors told me to and stopped whining I could have stayed at any of those jobs. I also left a lot of the jobs because once again my pride got the best of me and I was embarrassed to be in my 20's and working at fast food with a bunch of teenagers. Then I announced me transition, hey a new excuse on why not to keep 'this job'!! and so the instability continues. After I quit Kohls Ginny and I decided to live together, not as a couple but as roommates. Obviously I wasn't the best roommate, with my lack of consistent income. We talked about going our separate ways, (living wise) a couple times, but never did. I thought it was cause she didn't want to live with out me! Lol just kidding. Honestly she wouldn't kick me out not because she couldn't live without me but because she has such a big heart and she knew, despite my stubborn-ness, that if we went our own ways I would fall flat on my face in a stinking pile of failure and end up on the streets. So we made stupid rules, like I clean the house or babysit Raven to make up for my part of the bills. None of this was fair to her, and I felt bad about it but didn't know how to change it. Especially being so stubborn and feeling ashamed of so many things.
I'm sure your thinking that when I did have an income, at least I paid what I could right? Nope, instead I tried to just make us happy. (The irresponsible way) I would take us out to expensive dinners, or buy flowers, or even the occasional expensive gift. All these are great thoughts, and seem like such a sweet thing to do. But not when I'm not paying my part of the bills to do so. I didn't put two and two together, I wasn't being sweet I was being an ass. By me buying all that stuff and not paying bills was the exact same as Ginny buying that stuff for herself. Suddenly my nice gestures aren't so nice. In fact I just burst my own bubble.
We finally decided we needed to live separately, mostly because of my responsibility issues that's when I moved to NC. I thought this was my chance to prove I can do it on my own, well things didn't go as planned. My buddy ended up coming with me. My dad helped me out with some cash, which paid for my half of the road trip and some groceries when we first got there. Then I was flat broke. My buddy gets money from the VA every month so we both figured we'd be fine until we got jobs. A month later he gets a job, but money was still scarce. I had no income, and he was paying not only for rent but the groceries too. About 2 weeks after that I got a job. I was convinced once I got a job I'd start paying my part, well then we came to 'an agreement' that I would only pay a certain amount per month, which was far from half. But since he had a job and the VA check and I only had a fast food job that paid shit, it made sense, right? NO! It wasn't fair to him, I was a horrible friend to do that. Ty I'm sorry, it wasn't fair to you at all, I should have paid my half of things.
On a good note I did grow up a little out there, I realized what I wanted out of life and how important some people were to my life. Ginny and I really opened up or communication, and fell in love with each other all over. It was great. I (we) were so happy. We decided to finally make the move to San Diego. At first I was flying in to Denver just for a couple days then heading to Cali to find a job and get on my feet. Well once again things changed, I got two jobs in Denver and made a deal that if I kept at least one until we left I'd stay. Well I didn't keep either, and not by lack of trying. I really tried at one of them, I knew how important it was. However, my manager and I could not get along if our lives depended on it! And yet I stayed in Colorado for two months with out a job. Once again I didn't hold my end of the bargain.
Now that we are in San Diego I'm trying my hardest to find a job, I'm unsuccessful thus far, and it's eating away at me. Ginny is paying for everything, and I have nothing to contribute. I have lost her trust and faith in me to do right by here. Of course I always have good intentions but that's not enough. I really hope it's not to late to mend things and prove I can come through. Actions speak louder than words, and my actions have sucked. My track record is horrible. I know I can fix it and I plan to. I feel like shit, I have been a horrible friend, a horrible roommate, and now a bad boyfriend.
I refuse to keep living like this. I am a good person at heart, I need to start showing it. I will pay my part and be responsible. I will not let her down again, I swear it. I will be a better person, not for her, but for me. I need this. I can not keep letting people take care of me. I need to know I can make it with out others. I don't need us to go our separate ways to prove this, I can do it with how things are, I just need a damn job!! Once I have a job (or two) then we both will see that I can keep my word and have financial stability. I just hope she has the patience for me. I'm going to do it. No more deals or bargains. Just me being an adult, and taking responsibility. My mind set has changed, I'm honestly tired of living like this. Not only is it not healthy for me, but it's not fair to those 'helping me'. I'm taking control of my life. I will not let my pride get the best of me! And I will mend my relationships with those I've hurt/taken advantage of as best as I can.
I would honestly like your opinion. Yes you, if you read this then tell me what you think. Even if you don't think I'll want to hear it. If you don't want to comment on here send me a message on FB. But I'd like to hear from my readers! :)
I'm sure your thinking that when I did have an income, at least I paid what I could right? Nope, instead I tried to just make us happy. (The irresponsible way) I would take us out to expensive dinners, or buy flowers, or even the occasional expensive gift. All these are great thoughts, and seem like such a sweet thing to do. But not when I'm not paying my part of the bills to do so. I didn't put two and two together, I wasn't being sweet I was being an ass. By me buying all that stuff and not paying bills was the exact same as Ginny buying that stuff for herself. Suddenly my nice gestures aren't so nice. In fact I just burst my own bubble.
We finally decided we needed to live separately, mostly because of my responsibility issues that's when I moved to NC. I thought this was my chance to prove I can do it on my own, well things didn't go as planned. My buddy ended up coming with me. My dad helped me out with some cash, which paid for my half of the road trip and some groceries when we first got there. Then I was flat broke. My buddy gets money from the VA every month so we both figured we'd be fine until we got jobs. A month later he gets a job, but money was still scarce. I had no income, and he was paying not only for rent but the groceries too. About 2 weeks after that I got a job. I was convinced once I got a job I'd start paying my part, well then we came to 'an agreement' that I would only pay a certain amount per month, which was far from half. But since he had a job and the VA check and I only had a fast food job that paid shit, it made sense, right? NO! It wasn't fair to him, I was a horrible friend to do that. Ty I'm sorry, it wasn't fair to you at all, I should have paid my half of things.
On a good note I did grow up a little out there, I realized what I wanted out of life and how important some people were to my life. Ginny and I really opened up or communication, and fell in love with each other all over. It was great. I (we) were so happy. We decided to finally make the move to San Diego. At first I was flying in to Denver just for a couple days then heading to Cali to find a job and get on my feet. Well once again things changed, I got two jobs in Denver and made a deal that if I kept at least one until we left I'd stay. Well I didn't keep either, and not by lack of trying. I really tried at one of them, I knew how important it was. However, my manager and I could not get along if our lives depended on it! And yet I stayed in Colorado for two months with out a job. Once again I didn't hold my end of the bargain.
Now that we are in San Diego I'm trying my hardest to find a job, I'm unsuccessful thus far, and it's eating away at me. Ginny is paying for everything, and I have nothing to contribute. I have lost her trust and faith in me to do right by here. Of course I always have good intentions but that's not enough. I really hope it's not to late to mend things and prove I can come through. Actions speak louder than words, and my actions have sucked. My track record is horrible. I know I can fix it and I plan to. I feel like shit, I have been a horrible friend, a horrible roommate, and now a bad boyfriend.
I refuse to keep living like this. I am a good person at heart, I need to start showing it. I will pay my part and be responsible. I will not let her down again, I swear it. I will be a better person, not for her, but for me. I need this. I can not keep letting people take care of me. I need to know I can make it with out others. I don't need us to go our separate ways to prove this, I can do it with how things are, I just need a damn job!! Once I have a job (or two) then we both will see that I can keep my word and have financial stability. I just hope she has the patience for me. I'm going to do it. No more deals or bargains. Just me being an adult, and taking responsibility. My mind set has changed, I'm honestly tired of living like this. Not only is it not healthy for me, but it's not fair to those 'helping me'. I'm taking control of my life. I will not let my pride get the best of me! And I will mend my relationships with those I've hurt/taken advantage of as best as I can.
I would honestly like your opinion. Yes you, if you read this then tell me what you think. Even if you don't think I'll want to hear it. If you don't want to comment on here send me a message on FB. But I'd like to hear from my readers! :)
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