Ashamed...

Sometimes I struggle to not feel ashamed of certain things. I know I'm hard on myself and don't let things go when I probably should, but sometimes I just don't know how to.
I feel ashamed that I didn't have the courage to come out earlier. Maybe if I had, I would have had a happier teen life, but then again who knows maybe it would have been worse. If I'm this scared of certain things at 23 how would I have handled it as a pre-teen or younger? The reasons I have for waiting seem logical to me. But I've come to realize I tend to give a lot of excuses for things instead of 'maning up' and admitting I did wrong. I'm working on getting over my frustration with myself for not doing this earlier, I'm also working on not using excuses lol.
I'm still self conscience and ashamed of my voice, I tend to mumble a lot around others in attempt to lower my voice. I think I sometimes end up coming off as rude, I don't mean to, but I'm tired of being called 'she' because they don't look at me or pay attention they hear me and assume I'm female. I'm still very frustrated and feel ashamed that I'm not further along, I mean it's been 3 long ass years and I feel like I'm going no where sometimes, I know I should also let this go and just focus on my future. I have the opportunity to make things happen for myself and I plan on doing so, but every time I take a step forward I think of where I could be right now if I had done this all when I first came out as a transman. I have given a ton of excuses on why I'm not further along, none of which are a good enough reason to not have my letter yet and be starting my testosterone shots (T). I'm working hard on solely focusing on the positive and pushing myself to only look forward and not worry about what I should have done. What's done is done I can't control my past, so I'm letting it go and I'm going get things going as soon as I can!

Since I'm on the subject of feeling ashamed I guess I should share it all, I often find myself ashamed of my body. Before I came out I wasn't just ashamed of my body, I hated it, and I never understood it. But since everyone saw me as a female it was ok to acknowledge the fact that I have a chest and female parts. Once I came out as a man I stopped hating myself and learned to love me, well most of me, I still felt ashamed of my body. I felt the need to hide it, mostly from myself. I never really looked at my body in the mirror with out clothes on in the past, and I made sure to avoid it if possible once I came out. It made me sad that I didn't have the body I felt I should. I never took a step back and thought about how this was affecting those closest to me, I figured if I act like I'm a man then everyone will also, or if I don't know them they will assume I'm anatomically correct. It didn't work like I had hoped, I unintentionally hurt my the person closest to me in the process. Before my transition my girlfriend and I had dated on and off, and when we were together things were fine between us sexually, we both enjoyed each other. But after my transition, I stopped letting her touch me in a sexual way, I didn't think it would bother her I just made it all about her and figured things were fine. Now that we are officially a couple and not just dating occasionally I have learned things aren't fine, instead of making her feel special I made her feel like she wasn't good enough, like I didn't want her anymore. That couldn't be farther from the truth, I loved when we would play together, but after my transition started I felt awkward and felt like I should suddenly have male genitals. I thought if I let her in my pants she would be disappointed. I'm her boyfriend, yet I lack some important equipment. I was so worried about myself and my own insecurities I never thought about how she was dealing with all this. Not only did I make her question her own sexuality but then I make her feel inadequate, for 3 years! What an ass of me! Lol But seriously, I fee horrible for making her feel like she isn't good enough. So I have been working hard to learn how to be proud of my body and not ashamed of what I have. After all most people would change something about their body if given the opportunity, I'm not a freak. I'm not sure if she knows this, but one night she asked me lay naked on the bed with her with the lights on and we just talked, about everything. That helped me more than I could have imagined. I didn't feel awkward, I knew she loved me for me, didn't matter if I have breasts or lacking a penis. I don't doubt she loves me, but I had convinced myself she didn't like my body and didn't want to see me naked (just another excuse). That was one of the best nights :) We really connected and just talked, naked for hours. This helped me a ton, but not all my problems can be solved by laying naked on a bed talking for hours. But how awesome would it be if it could?? I'd lay naked all the time! ;)

Honestly just writing this makes me feel better. No one is perfect, I may not be completely happy with my entire body, but who is? I refuse to be ashamed of my self any longer. Yes I have a bigger chest then some men, and yes I have love handles, and yes I have a vagina. I can fix the first two, and I'm going to learn to accept the third. I will not make my girlfriend feel undesirable any longer. She a beautiful person inside and out, and I love her so much.

By sharing this will help me fix what I want to fix. Things won't change over night, but at least I'm working of fixing things for the better :) I am going to stop making excuses, I will follow through with things, I will not hide my body, I will show my amazing girlfriend how much I love her and how I find her very desirable. I will change my behavior for the better, and concentrate on having a more positive mind set about myself.