No T for Me

I find myself questioning if going through hormone therapy (aka Testosterone or T) is the best option for me. This isn't a recent dilemma; I've hesitated about wanting to take T since I came out in 2007. I feel like taking T should be part of my transition, honestly I fear not being a legit Transman without testosterone. It sounds silly when I say that out loud because I know testosterone doesn't define me as a man, but it's how I feel sometimes.

I am proud of the changes and improvements I have made over the years. In 2007 when I came out, if someone dared to mistake me for a female I would become so defensive I think I almost offended them, and it would literally ruin my entire day. Many times I was brought to tears that people didn't see me as the male I was trying so hard to show them. The mistakes haven't decreased like I thought they had, but instead I have become more comfortable with who I am. I am generally seen and referred to as male, but because of my voice I notice I confuse people and then referred to as female the next time they use a pronoun when talking about me. If it's someone I have continuous contact with, such as coworkers or neighbors, I correct them, but when it comes to customers at work I tend not to correct anymore. I am there simply as a service, if I give them information about a product and they turn around to their party and say "she just said..." I just leave it. No sense on following them correcting them announcing “I AM MALE!” just to fix a pronoun that will only confuse and possibly start an unnecessary apology/awkwardness. Occasionally I have a customer approach me saying 'sir' then when I talk they'll apologize and say 'she,' then I do let them know they were correct the first time. I always get this confused look, followed by a complete look me up and down, 'what are you' kind of look. It does make me uncomfortable but not as much as it used to. The more comfortable I become in my own skin the less awkward those situations are. By choosing not to go on T, I know I will continue to go through situations like this, but even if I did do T, it won’t make my voice deep like a bio male, like I want. I will still have a 'different' voice. I don't want the voice I have yet I'm afraid to change it; I'm terrified I won't like my new voice. I don't want a scratchy voice that sounds robotic. So as of right now weighing the pros and cons of my voice and the voice T will give me, I am choosing my voice. I may not like it, but I know I'll be devastated if I don't like the voice I have after starting T. I have a friend who has a quote on their facebook that I really love: "It doesn't matter what people call you, it's what you answer to." I find this quote meaningful in many ways, so thank you Randy!! :)

I thought I wanted most of what T has to offer and only few things I didn't want, however the more I think about it the more I realize it's the complete opposite. I only partially want a few things hormone therapy has to offer, the rest just isn't for me. Hormone therapy offers a deeper voice; increased muscle mass and upper body strength; increased growth, coarseness, and thickness of hair on arms, legs, chest, back, and abdomen; growth of clitoris which increases sex drive; vaginal dryness; menstrual period comes to a stop; redistribution of body fat to fit a more masculine pattern such as more fat around the waist, less around the hips; and male pattern balding. The only things that really catch my attention are a deeper voice, muscle mass, and stopping the menstrual cycle. I don’t want a higher sex drive. Let’s face it, I don’t get it much anyway, why would I want to want it more often! haha. The side effects T gives are not only life altering but can be life threatening. In the beginning I was all for risking everything about myself for a 'new me.' Now? Not so much. While I'm still producing estrogen, if I then start pumping myself with testosterone, it can do some serious damage to my internal parts such as: uterus cancer, liver damage, blood pressure issues, yeast infections, breast cancer, clotting issues, and several other side effects. When I was in my teens I was on Acutain for my acne. That med is really hard on your liver, and being on T is also really tough on your liver, last I checked my liver is fine, but I'm worried about my insides being trashed just so I can be hairy everywhere, have a voice I may not like, and get some extra upper body muscle which I could most likely get on my own. It's not easy to get 'approved' to take hormone therapy. Not only would I need a letter from a psychiatrist diagnosing me with Gender Identity Disorder, but I would also need a TON of blood work and tests done before any doctor will clear me to get started. Then once on T, I would have to go back often to have my blood work re-done to make sure the testosterone isn't damaging everything. I would be giving myself shots everyday for the rest of my life, and constantly in for blood work to keep an eye on my liver along everything else. I just don't think it's worth it for me. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars for a body/voice I'm not going to love. I can build my own muscle mass, it may take a little longer and a ton of dedication but it's very plausible, and as for the voice, I guess I'll just have to get used to mine.

I have struggled a lot in the past with 'needing' people to see my relationship as a heterosexual relationship, but as I grow more confident in myself, the need for people to view my personal life is less of a worry to me. I am not always 100% comfortable with people viewing my relationship as a lesbian relationship but I think I can come around to the point where it truly doesn't matter what strangers/acquaintances think. I honestly think I can be ok with others viewing me however they choose to. I present myself as male to the fullest, if they choose to judge then that's on them. I don't need to be referred to as her boyfriend, I'm ok with being her partner. As long as I have her and we understand what we have, that's what matters to me.

I COULD do nothing medically (no surgery, no drugs, no nothing) and still be Trans. I have read other blogs where people flat out admit that they are trans, identify as male (or female) but have no intentions on changing anything. That's just who they are and they are ok with that. I have really thought about it and I have to ask myself if I'm ok with putting mascara on my 'whiskers' when I do want noticeable facial hair, and actually I am. I don't want to be full of hair, so a little mustache is right up my alley lol. By doing nothing medically I feel this is the healthiest route for me, not only physically but emotionally as well. I don't know if I'll be able to afford T for the rest of my life and going on and off just doesn't seem beneficial to my body, I'm worried it would really mess things up hormonally. There aren't very many studies on what hormone therapy does to transmen long term, the long term effects I have read up on are not good for anyone's body. Injecting something un-natural is bound to take its toll on the body. This is just my personal decision, other trans friends I have who have started T or are about to, I am truly happy for them. This is what is best for them personally, it's their choice and I think if it makes them happy then good for them! We are all on our own journey, it's an emotionally similar journey but we all take different paths. My path isn't leading me to hormone therapy, at least not at this stage in my life. I will still get my top surgery when I can afford it, and after I get my letter from a psychiatrist. But after the surgery, I will be done. My transition will not be over, as there is always something to work and improve on, but medically, my transition will end there.

I'm a thankful Justin

Growing up Thanksgiving was always about getting the whole family together for the whole day, making a feast, and eating together. We always had the football lovers in front of the TV, the ladies in the kitchen cooking and talking, and the kids running around like crazy. Everyone put their differences aside and we all came together as a family. Now things are different, some have gone their separate ways, and others don't talk, and some have disowned one another. They have their reasons and I respect that, but they taught me a very valuable lesson; cherish your loved ones today because you don't know what the future holds.

I am thankful for many things, but I'm extremely thankful for all of my loved ones in my life.

I couldn't ask for a better life partner :) she accepts all of my flaws and loves my strengths. She has the best daughter Savanna Raven, who can light up a room with her smile, just like her mama. she's so smart and becoming a very well rounded person.

Becky has always supported me and is never afraid to tell me the truth and not sugar coated :)

Ty is my best buddy, we've been through a lot and still know that when it comes downs to it, we have each others back no matter what.

Melissa and I have known each other for many years! We may not talk often but when we do it feels like we haven't missed a beat.
Melissa and Randy are the one's I know I can go to on facebook if I ever need any help with finding a great vegetarian meal :)

The Sorensen family has always accepted me as apart of the family, no questions asked. Mari and Don are great people and I'm happy to have them in my life :)
JD, Candice, Katrina, Eddie, and of course Ty are all like brothers and sisters to me. We may bicker but it's all in good fun.

My dad and I have had a lot of ups and downs, but we have finally reached a middle ground. We are a lot alike and I'm very happy to have him apart of my life.

I'm also Thankful for reconnecting with my mom, step-dad John, my little brother Mateo, and my grandma. I look forward to building a stronger relationship with each of them.

I'm obviously thankful for Facebook, it has made it easy for me to keep in contact with friends I made in NC (Cheryl!) and I have met some great people on there! You guys make my day, even if some of you *cough*Nikki*cough* tease me for the Broncos not always being the best team they could be. I am thankful for all of you! :)


In my opinion Thanksgiving is about putting your differences aside, coming together as a family, and spending time with those you love. Making new memories and making your own unique family traditions. I plan on carrying on some traditions but always making sure there's room to make new traditions, 'cause what is life if you don't keep it new and exciting! I may be in California but I still spent it with my loved ones, of course my girls were with me and the rest I saw via skype :)

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and spent it with those who mean the most.

Over due update!

I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog! So much has gone on, I don't know where to start... So let's start from the beginning. I am now a resident of San Diego, CA! :) despite my lack on CA drivers license, but I have a library card! Lol I just haven't found the time to get up to the DMV, but I'll get up there eventually.

Moving to San Diego was a fun adventure, but August and the first part of September were rough. It took me all of August to find a job, finally I was hired on at Kohls, I was cross trained within the month which is good, hopefully that will result in more hours. On a much better note, we are all settled in and enjoying San Diego as much as we can. Every weekend we make a point to do some type of adventure, whether its the beach, dog beach, Balboa park (we have year round passes to the zoo,sea world,and wild animal park!!) ... Its always something fun! My favorite so far is the beach and sea world :)

My birthday was fantastic, we went to the Zoo for the first time, then to Mission beach! We played for the whole evening and watched the sunset. Ginny gave me a Chargers jersey :) and a new binder! I had a binder back in '07, and I honestly don't really know why I tossed it, I got to a point where I thought I didn't 'need' it. I lost some weight and just wore a little bigger shirts so you couldn't see my chest. I hated clothing being tight on me and touching me, and well a binder does all that and more lol I had a rough time in '07 accepting myself in a various of ways. But now in '10 I'm pretty happy with myself! I do wear the binder to work, it makes me feel more comfortable. Now I can wear shirts my size and I think I look/dress much better. My jeans aren't falling off of me, in fact I wear a belt and my back pockets are on my butt! haha but seriously the more confident and comfortable I become with myself the more I feel at ease with dressing the way I like.

Speaking of binders, I love mine yet I'm scared of it. Wearing a binder consistently can cause a lot of damage to a body. I've seen some guys who wear their binder everyday all day long, and the end results leave them with deformed ribs. Granted it's like everything else, too much of anything is bad for you, but binders really do restrict breathing to a point. I can tell when I'm really busy at work and running around trying to get everything done, at the end of the night my chest it tight, and when I get home and take it off I'm a little sore. I really try to restrict my self to only wearing it for a few hours, and try even harder to never wear it more than 8 hours, however a couple weeks ago I got caught up in my day and ended up staying late at work so I didn't get the chance to take it off, I wore it for almost 12 hours. I was SO sore!! Actually it scared me at how sore I was, I made myself not put my binder on despite needing to go to work for a few days until ALL the sore-ness was gone. I've learned and plan ahead, if I think I may get stuck somewhere and not be able to get home to take it off, I take a backpack with a extra shirt I feel more comfortable wearing with out a binder. Wearing a binder has it's pros and cons, but I like the pros, and I'm being careful to avoid the cons.

I've decided I'm really going to get my butt in gear and work out! This isn't a weight loss thing by any means, I want muscle definition. I'm really starting to eat so much more healthier, and by adding some healthy exercise, I'll be at my goal in no time! When I work out, I lose some of my chest and that makes me happy. I also gain muscle definition in my arms and stomach, and that also makes me happy. I will never be perfect, there's no such thing. I actually heard a great saying once that made me laugh and think it was so on point;

...Because by striving to be perfect, we just might reach half-ass! If we only go for just good enough, we wont even get to half-ass! ... and to die like that, my dear friends, would be worse than licking a salty substance off some large mammals testicles

You may laugh but it really has a point! And since I don't want to die like that, I'm going to strive to be as perfect as I can be :)

Well that's all the excited news for now, I will be much better about posting more then a quarterly update. lol

Thanks for stalking! And don't forget to click those buttons below :)

Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

I have no more pride left, I have choked down my last bit. It's time for me to really get my shit together and grow up. And in order for me to do that I need to own up to my actions. I have fought myself along with others on the subject of me taking care of myself, well I'm here to admit it. Unfortunately you were right. My argument was; I have a job, and I'm paying my bills that is responsible, that's me taking care of myself. I paid for my rent, my utilities, and most of my groceries. However I also had my grandma slipping me cash on the side, buying me cd's, and putting gas in my car a lot. But I was paying my bills! Well I fell pretty hard when I was completely on my own. I didn't realize how much she helped me out, she didn't pay for my bills, but she did pay for most of my fun stuff. Reality slapped me in the face, I realized I couldn't afford to pay my bills and have the fun stuff too. Sad part is my realization came too late. I was already in debt, and I happened to be unemployed. After my car accident in '06 I went back to work at Kohls, but had a hard time keeping up cause my back was still pretty sore. Instead of doing the 'easy' jobs they offered I let my pride get the best of me and decided if I couldn't help unload the trucks I wasn't going to work there, and quit. From there it went down hill for me. Every job after that never lasted more than a couple months, I always used my back as an excuse. I did hurt, but if I had done the exercises the doctors told me to and stopped whining I could have stayed at any of those jobs. I also left a lot of the jobs because once again my pride got the best of me and I was embarrassed to be in my 20's and working at fast food with a bunch of teenagers. Then I announced me transition, hey a new excuse on why not to keep 'this job'!! and so the instability continues. After I quit Kohls Ginny and I decided to live together, not as a couple but as roommates. Obviously I wasn't the best roommate, with my lack of consistent income. We talked about going our separate ways, (living wise) a couple times, but never did. I thought it was cause she didn't want to live with out me! Lol just kidding. Honestly she wouldn't kick me out not because she couldn't live without me but because she has such a big heart and she knew, despite my stubborn-ness, that if we went our own ways I would fall flat on my face in a stinking pile of failure and end up on the streets. So we made stupid rules, like I clean the house or babysit Raven to make up for my part of the bills. None of this was fair to her, and I felt bad about it but didn't know how to change it. Especially being so stubborn and feeling ashamed of so many things.

I'm sure your thinking that when I did have an income, at least I paid what I could right? Nope, instead I tried to just make us happy. (The irresponsible way) I would take us out to expensive dinners, or buy flowers, or even the occasional expensive gift. All these are great thoughts, and seem like such a sweet thing to do. But not when I'm not paying my part of the bills to do so. I didn't put two and two together, I wasn't being sweet I was being an ass. By me buying all that stuff and not paying bills was the exact same as Ginny buying that stuff for herself. Suddenly my nice gestures aren't so nice. In fact I just burst my own bubble.

We finally decided we needed to live separately, mostly because of my responsibility issues that's when I moved to NC. I thought this was my chance to prove I can do it on my own, well things didn't go as planned. My buddy ended up coming with me. My dad helped me out with some cash, which paid for my half of the road trip and some groceries when we first got there. Then I was flat broke. My buddy gets money from the VA every month so we both figured we'd be fine until we got jobs. A month later he gets a job, but money was still scarce. I had no income, and he was paying not only for rent but the groceries too. About 2 weeks after that I got a job. I was convinced once I got a job I'd start paying my part, well then we came to 'an agreement' that I would only pay a certain amount per month, which was far from half. But since he had a job and the VA check and I only had a fast food job that paid shit, it made sense, right? NO! It wasn't fair to him, I was a horrible friend to do that. Ty I'm sorry, it wasn't fair to you at all, I should have paid my half of things.

On a good note I did grow up a little out there, I realized what I wanted out of life and how important some people were to my life. Ginny and I really opened up or communication, and fell in love with each other all over. It was great. I (we) were so happy. We decided to finally make the move to San Diego. At first I was flying in to Denver just for a couple days then heading to Cali to find a job and get on my feet. Well once again things changed, I got two jobs in Denver and made a deal that if I kept at least one until we left I'd stay. Well I didn't keep either, and not by lack of trying. I really tried at one of them, I knew how important it was. However, my manager and I could not get along if our lives depended on it! And yet I stayed in Colorado for two months with out a job. Once again I didn't hold my end of the bargain.

Now that we are in San Diego I'm trying my hardest to find a job, I'm unsuccessful thus far, and it's eating away at me. Ginny is paying for everything, and I have nothing to contribute. I have lost her trust and faith in me to do right by here. Of course I always have good intentions but that's not enough. I really hope it's not to late to mend things and prove I can come through. Actions speak louder than words, and my actions have sucked. My track record is horrible. I know I can fix it and I plan to. I feel like shit, I have been a horrible friend, a horrible roommate, and now a bad boyfriend.

I refuse to keep living like this. I am a good person at heart, I need to start showing it. I will pay my part and be responsible. I will not let her down again, I swear it. I will be a better person, not for her, but for me. I need this. I can not keep letting people take care of me. I need to know I can make it with out others. I don't need us to go our separate ways to prove this, I can do it with how things are, I just need a damn job!! Once I have a job (or two) then we both will see that I can keep my word and have financial stability. I just hope she has the patience for me. I'm going to do it. No more deals or bargains. Just me being an adult, and taking responsibility. My mind set has changed, I'm honestly tired of living like this. Not only is it not healthy for me, but it's not fair to those 'helping me'. I'm taking control of my life. I will not let my pride get the best of me! And I will mend my relationships with those I've hurt/taken advantage of as best as I can.

I would honestly like your opinion. Yes you, if you read this then tell me what you think. Even if you don't think I'll want to hear it. If you don't want to comment on here send me a message on FB. But I'd like to hear from my readers! :)

Ashamed...

Sometimes I struggle to not feel ashamed of certain things. I know I'm hard on myself and don't let things go when I probably should, but sometimes I just don't know how to.
I feel ashamed that I didn't have the courage to come out earlier. Maybe if I had, I would have had a happier teen life, but then again who knows maybe it would have been worse. If I'm this scared of certain things at 23 how would I have handled it as a pre-teen or younger? The reasons I have for waiting seem logical to me. But I've come to realize I tend to give a lot of excuses for things instead of 'maning up' and admitting I did wrong. I'm working on getting over my frustration with myself for not doing this earlier, I'm also working on not using excuses lol.
I'm still self conscience and ashamed of my voice, I tend to mumble a lot around others in attempt to lower my voice. I think I sometimes end up coming off as rude, I don't mean to, but I'm tired of being called 'she' because they don't look at me or pay attention they hear me and assume I'm female. I'm still very frustrated and feel ashamed that I'm not further along, I mean it's been 3 long ass years and I feel like I'm going no where sometimes, I know I should also let this go and just focus on my future. I have the opportunity to make things happen for myself and I plan on doing so, but every time I take a step forward I think of where I could be right now if I had done this all when I first came out as a transman. I have given a ton of excuses on why I'm not further along, none of which are a good enough reason to not have my letter yet and be starting my testosterone shots (T). I'm working hard on solely focusing on the positive and pushing myself to only look forward and not worry about what I should have done. What's done is done I can't control my past, so I'm letting it go and I'm going get things going as soon as I can!

Since I'm on the subject of feeling ashamed I guess I should share it all, I often find myself ashamed of my body. Before I came out I wasn't just ashamed of my body, I hated it, and I never understood it. But since everyone saw me as a female it was ok to acknowledge the fact that I have a chest and female parts. Once I came out as a man I stopped hating myself and learned to love me, well most of me, I still felt ashamed of my body. I felt the need to hide it, mostly from myself. I never really looked at my body in the mirror with out clothes on in the past, and I made sure to avoid it if possible once I came out. It made me sad that I didn't have the body I felt I should. I never took a step back and thought about how this was affecting those closest to me, I figured if I act like I'm a man then everyone will also, or if I don't know them they will assume I'm anatomically correct. It didn't work like I had hoped, I unintentionally hurt my the person closest to me in the process. Before my transition my girlfriend and I had dated on and off, and when we were together things were fine between us sexually, we both enjoyed each other. But after my transition, I stopped letting her touch me in a sexual way, I didn't think it would bother her I just made it all about her and figured things were fine. Now that we are officially a couple and not just dating occasionally I have learned things aren't fine, instead of making her feel special I made her feel like she wasn't good enough, like I didn't want her anymore. That couldn't be farther from the truth, I loved when we would play together, but after my transition started I felt awkward and felt like I should suddenly have male genitals. I thought if I let her in my pants she would be disappointed. I'm her boyfriend, yet I lack some important equipment. I was so worried about myself and my own insecurities I never thought about how she was dealing with all this. Not only did I make her question her own sexuality but then I make her feel inadequate, for 3 years! What an ass of me! Lol But seriously, I fee horrible for making her feel like she isn't good enough. So I have been working hard to learn how to be proud of my body and not ashamed of what I have. After all most people would change something about their body if given the opportunity, I'm not a freak. I'm not sure if she knows this, but one night she asked me lay naked on the bed with her with the lights on and we just talked, about everything. That helped me more than I could have imagined. I didn't feel awkward, I knew she loved me for me, didn't matter if I have breasts or lacking a penis. I don't doubt she loves me, but I had convinced myself she didn't like my body and didn't want to see me naked (just another excuse). That was one of the best nights :) We really connected and just talked, naked for hours. This helped me a ton, but not all my problems can be solved by laying naked on a bed talking for hours. But how awesome would it be if it could?? I'd lay naked all the time! ;)

Honestly just writing this makes me feel better. No one is perfect, I may not be completely happy with my entire body, but who is? I refuse to be ashamed of my self any longer. Yes I have a bigger chest then some men, and yes I have love handles, and yes I have a vagina. I can fix the first two, and I'm going to learn to accept the third. I will not make my girlfriend feel undesirable any longer. She a beautiful person inside and out, and I love her so much.

By sharing this will help me fix what I want to fix. Things won't change over night, but at least I'm working of fixing things for the better :) I am going to stop making excuses, I will follow through with things, I will not hide my body, I will show my amazing girlfriend how much I love her and how I find her very desirable. I will change my behavior for the better, and concentrate on having a more positive mind set about myself.

Family Ties

This blog is to everyone in the family I grew up in. I want you all to really hear me and try to see where I'm coming from, take your opinions and your pride out of it and just listen.

You all have affected my life in a variety of ways, I didn't used to think it was in a positive way, but as I've grown as a person I have turned your negative influences to be a positive for myself. I grew up with all of you having a big part in my childhood, I stayed or lived with all my aunts/uncle at one point.

Not one of you taught me to not judge people, not one of you taught me to love people for who they are and not for their color or background, not one of you taught me to not discriminate against people for their sexual identity or their gender identity. Not one of you taught me to be proud of who I am. Instead I often heard do as I say not as I do, that is hard for a child to understand, I see you laughing at and talking about the man in the store dressed as a woman, none of you took a second to think; maybe he really is a female and in the beginning of her transition? I see you making fun of people based on the color of their skin or their heritage, calling every Asian you see a 'gook', or teasing people sometimes your own friends, behind their back because they are gay. Everyone 'different' to you was made the punch line to a joke. Showing me that different was a bad thing. I am not saying I'm perfect or that I don't judge, but because I grew up with what I feel is a very judgment family, I make a conscience effort not to judge others.

My point of this blog is to explain my side on why I walked away 3 years ago. Most of you feel I walked away because of someone else, that you are not to blame, or that I walked away because I just needed to find myself. Well you couldn't be further from the truth. You all were the reason I left. I was so scared to tell my own family I was a transman, I feared you judging me and talking badly about me behind my back, but acting supportive to my face. I even feared I wouldn't be accepted and you all would walk away from me. I told all of my friends before I could gather the courage to tell any of my family, I called or met each of you separately to tell you, I gave you the respect I was hoping to get in return. I hit a brick wall with most of you, you all had already judged me and assumed I was gay. I don't feel you ever let go of my sexual identity, most of you only talked about who I liked, who I was with, what parts/surgeries I was going to get to be a real man. You didn't take a step back and really hear me, none of this has to do with who I am attracted to! Sexual identity and gender identity are two very different things. I couldn't get that through to you. When I announced I was changing my name, everyone wanted their opinion heard as to what my name should be, but no one asked what I wanted. Hell some asked for me to just shorten my name to Kris, so that they could remember it better. This is not about you. I have always been more conservative and often I was pushed around, I was easy to control, but not anymore. I found my confidence and I fought back, I have known myself as Justin since I was at least 5 years old. I was not going to change my mind, I don't care if it's not a family name or if you like it or won't remember it, I just don't care. It's my name, I like it and I feel it fits me, that's what I care about. Every corner I turned I felt resistance from you all in one way or another. Whether you were trying to 'be more involved' but I felt you were just trying to control my own transition. I was 21 years old, old enough to take care of my self. I didn't need you to tell me if you agreed or not, I didn't need you questioning who I was sleeping with, I didn't need you refusing to say 'he' or call me by Justin. I needed you to for once take a side line view and just support me. None of you could seem to do that. I felt rejected, unwelcome, and not accepted. That is why I walked away. I understand it may have hurt some of you, but you need to understand you hurt me. I needed people in my life who would support me and be there if and when I needed some one to talk to, I didn't need you trying to do it for me, or question every step I took. Again, all I wanted/needed was support, and I didn't feel it from anyone. So I changed my number and walked away.

I do not regret my decision, you all talk so much about how important family is, yet half of you aren't talking to someone in your own family. Uncle Jasper recently told me, "Most crying at funerals are because they have not made up." Honestly think about it, if the people you are mad at and refusing to talk to died today, when you attended their funeral would you be sad and regretful of how you've acted? Let go of your current anger for the moment and could you say that you will not miss them when they are gone, or wish you would have been a better family member to them? This may sound very rude, but I made sure that when I walked away that I had no regrets, if anyone passed away I would not regret not talking to them. I walked away for a reason. Although I did missed my brother very much, I never wanted to lose that relationship. He meant the world to me, and he didn't do anything wrong. He never even knew what was going on, one day I was there and the next I wasn't. I did what I had always promised him I wouldn't, I left. This hurt me more than you'll ever know, I knew I couldn't only have a relationship with him and not others, once your apart of one person's life your suddenly apart of everyone's.

I am not back as a part of this family now, I don't need this family. I am very capable of taking care of my self. Whether you choose to see it and admit it you all hurt me, I didn't have a choice but to leave. I'm extremely happy to be apart of Joshua's life and plan on having a good relationship with him from here on out. I added everyone on FB to help avoid drama and gossip, this way everyone see's and reads the same thing, no more of "he said this to me", and "he only talks and trusts me, not you." The truth is I have all my walls up to all of you, I do not trust anyone.

Everyone suddenly accepts me now and has nothing but nice words for me, don't get me wrong it's nice to hear, but I have a hard time believing it. I know some of you still refer to me as Kristina, and only say Justin if I'm in the room, and you still say 'she' if I'm not around. That is not accepting me, unless you make a conscience effort when I'm not around. I honestly don't care how you refer to me or what you say about me, because you are not directly apart of my life. I have an excellent support system that I have surrounded myself with, a family that never questioned me, they simply loved me and made the adjustments needed to accept me, and great friends who choose to stick by me. I understand you all may take this as me being cold or rude, but I did not name names and call people out for a reason, this is not all about you, this is how I feel and my side of things. I felt very misunderstood, and I never felt the acceptance I was in need of.

Quest for Perfection: Unity Inside Out

This is an essay Ginny wrote for one of her classes :) I'm proud to be the inspiration for her chosen topic. This essay, along with all her research actually helped me more than I imagined it would. I have even changed my mind on which surgery(s) I want/will be pursuing. I hope this is helpful for you all to understand just a little more of what my journey entails. :) Please feel free to let me know what you think about it, I LOVE it :)


Quest for Perfection: Unity Inside Out

A female to male transsexual (FTM), also known as a transman, is defined as a person who is born into a female body, but whose gender identity is male (Hudson, 2004-2010). According to a study conducted in 2005, there were only 321 self-identified transmen in the United States (Forshee, 2008). The majority of those identified in the study were under 35, employed, with at least some college education (Forshee, 2008). They are brothers, fathers, sons, neighbors, coworkers, doctors, lawyers, actors, waiters; they are everyday people. But they are people who often struggle to find their place in society. Surgery is not a requirement to live part- or even full-time as a male; however, for some it is a personal necessity. Some transmen use cosmetic surgery in their quest for perfection, to gain unity inside out, with chest reconstruction, a hysterectomy, and genital reconstruction.

Although many transmen want to finish the process immediately and move onward to live their lives as normal men, there are options to consider and steps to complete. The first requirement is for the in-depth psychological counseling that a transman must go through prior to any gender reassignment surgery (Encyclopedia of Surgery, 2007-2009). The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) Standards of Care requires the individual to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder (Hudson, 2004-2010). They must also obtain letters from at least two certified therapists, giving them the “go-ahead” for the surgeries (Hudson, 2004-2010). These surgeries are irreversible and the guidelines are in place to ensure that the transman is truly ready for the next steps in the process. The gender reassignment is not just one single sex-change operation, it is many. Along with the surgeries, many transmen choose to take testosterone as part of their transition. The testosterone must be taken for the remainder of their lives (Green, 1994).

A good amount of research must be done before embarking down the path to surgery. For each surgery different surgeons have different techniques, and each person's body is different to begin with; therefore, results will vary widely from one patient to the next. The transman must be realistic about what he wants versus what he can achieve with each of the surgeries (Green, 1994). These surgeries can be very costly and are rarely covered even partially by health insurance (Hudson, 2004-2010). As with any surgery, there are many risks: infection, post-operative pain, bleeding, dissatisfaction with results, and the need to return for repairs (Encyclopedia of Surgery, 2007-2009). However, one can minimize these risks by maintaining an overall higher level of health and fitness including weight management and not smoking prior to the surgery (Hudson, 2004-2010). With the research and pre-work done, a transman can choose to continue his quest with one or more surgical procedures.

The most commonly sought-after surgery in the female to male transition process is the chest reconstruction. This surgery is the only surgery for many transmen (Hudson, 2004-2010) because in most states this surgery alone is enough to change their gender to male legally (Green, 1994). Being legally male has many personal benefits to the transman and largely aids him in being seen as a male to the rest of society. The top surgery allows the transman to have a flat, contoured, male-looking chest without the need for binding, and provides the ability for him to even go shirtless in public. This surgery in particular is much easier for the surgeon to achieve the desired results if the patient has already been working out because he or she can better shape the new chest with the patient's existing pectoral muscles (Green, 1994).

Of the many techniques used for chest reconstruction, the two most common are the keyhole/peri-areola and the double incision. The keyhole/peri-areola technique, done only for small breasts, yields little scarring because the incision is done around the areola (Hudson, 2004-2010). Liposuction is most often used to remove the mammary tissue, and then the nipples are replaced in the original position to cover the scars (Hudson, 2004-2010). The double incision, done mainly for medium to large breasts, consists of two long incisions along the bottom of the breast, exposing all the mammary gland and fatty tissue, and allowing excess skin to be fully removed (Hudson, 2004-2010). Although the double incision results in more prominent scarring, the technique gives the surgeon better opportunity to achieve the desired results without the need for follow-up procedures.

Many doctors recommend, and sometimes require, for a transman to have a total hysterectomy and oophorectomy. In a few states the oophorectomy is the required surgery to change one's legal gender from female to male (Green, 1994). Also, doctors recommended that the hysterectomy and oophorectomy be done within five years of starting the testosterone therapy because of the potential increased risks of endometrial and ovarian cancer (Hudson, 2004-2010). Female organs, and the resulting menstrual cycles, often cause psychological confusion for transmen, especially in their younger years (Nick, 2007) making this surgery a personal necessity for them.

The hysterectomy, removal of the uterus and cervix, and the oophorectomy, removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes, can be done through an incision in the abdominal wall just above the pubic hairline, or through the vaginal canal (Hudson, 2004-2010). The vaginal canal leaves no visible scarring; unfortunately, if the vaginal canal is too narrow for the surgical instruments then the abdominal incision must be used (Hudson, 2004-2010). The completion of these surgeries can often result in the need for a lower dose of testosterone because the body is no longer producing estrogen to counteract the testosterone (Hudson, 2004-2010).

For some transmen, even with the chest reconstruction and hysterectomy, possessing male genitalia is a requirement for them ultimately to view themselves as a complete male. Mainly two different techniques are used to achieve the goal of a penis: metoidioplasty and phalloplasty. With the ongoing use of testosterone, the clitoris often grows longer (Hudson, 2004-2010). Metoidioplasty, also known as clitoral free-up, uses the elongated clitoris as the new penis (Hudson, 2004-2010). The process includes cutting the ligaments that hold the clitoris in place, and removal or changing of the surrounding tissue to achieve the correct placement and look of a normal penis (Hudson, 2004-2010). Phalloplasty is the construction of a penis using donor skin and tissue from the patients abdomen, groin/leg, or forearm; most often the forearm (Hudson, 2004-2010). Phalloplasty is very uncommon not only because of the high price, but also because the surgeries are done by very few surgeons throughout the world and the results most often do not produce “normal” looking male genitalia (Hudson, 2004-2010).

For some, the significant cost of $50,000 or more is well worth it to ensure that no one ever sees that they are a woman “after-all” (Green, 1994). Which surgery to get, if any, is a very personal choice and the reasons behind the decision are different from person to person. Metoidioplasty gives the transman a small, but normal appearing penis with minimal scarring; although, the final size depends on how long the clitoris grew with the testosterone therapy and even the largest is generally not enough for penetration during intercourse (Hudson, 2004-2010). On the other hand, Phalloplasty can give the transman an average sized penis capable of penetration during intercourse, standing urination, and a more acceptable appearance in places such as locker rooms; however the high price paid for this procedure includes multiple surgeries and revisions, very painful and significant recovery time, and large visible scarring (Hudson, 2004-2010).

When a person starts on a mission to change his or her sexual identity, he or she is embarking on one of the most significant changes a person can experience (Encyclopedia of Surgery, 2007-2009). Although some transmen do seek out the hormonal therapy and gender reassignment surgeries, the majority of transmen will never surgically alter their appearance (Encyclopedia of Surgery, 2007-2009). And even of those who do follow through with any portion of the process, many will “go stealth” by fitting themselves into society with no mention of their past (Forshee, 2008). It is a long and hard road, this quest for perfection. For some it is worth that ultimate goal of gaining unity in themselves. For them the feeling that they are the same person inside and out, is worth every penny, every pain, every price they pay in the end.



Reference List

Encyclopedia of Surgery.(2007-2009). Sex Reassignment Surgery. Retrieved March 27, 2010 from http://www.surgeryencyclopedia.com/pa-st/sex-reassignment-surgery.html
Forshee, A. S. (April 2008). Transgender Men: A Demographic Snapshot. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, 20(3), 221-236. Retrieved April 10, 2010 from http://search.ebscohost.com/
Green, J. (1994). Getting Real about FTM Surgery. Gender.Org. Retrieved March 27, 2010 from http://www.gender.org/resources/getting_real.html
Hudson. (2004-2010). FTM Resource Guide. Retrieved March 15, 2010 from http://www.ftmguide.org/
Nick. (October 2007). The Hysterectomy Hierarchy. Retrieved March 27, 2010 from http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/hysthyst.html
Schilt, K., & Waszkiewicz, E. (2006). I Feel So Much More in My Body: Challenging the Significance of the Penis in Transsexual Men's Bodies. Conference Papers – American Sociological Association; 2006 Annual Meeting, Montreal, p1, 25p. Retrieved March 16, 2010, from http://search.ebscohost.com/

A Long Road Ahead

I have realized my most recent actions may come across as me being irresponsible, or 'young and dumb' and that couldn't be further from the truth. Many of you don't know the real reasons of my move to North Carolina, so it makes sense that when I move back from NC and say I'm moving to San Diego some might think I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Truth is I wasn't really sure why I was moving across the country. NC had never even been on my radar, in fact I never saw myself permanently moving to the east coast. I would love to visit many places on the east coast, but not necessarily live there.

The Sorensen family was planning on moving to NC the summer of 2010. And at the time (summer of '09) I was feeling a bit lost, wasn't sure where I was going in life, I was very frustrated with my transition process, and still very much in love with my best friend who wasn't ready for a relationship. I was hurting myself by staying so close. One day as a joke I said I should just move to NC before anyone else so I could get on my feet by myself, and look for places for the family. Well the joke turned into reality, and I was scared as hell. I tried to convince myself that it was for the best. I knew I needed the space to move on and I needed to support myself, but did I really need 1600 miles? Yes. The more I thought about it the more I knew that if I stayed it would do me no good. It's like the saying "if you love someone, let them go and if they come back to you, it was meant to be." I had to let go, I had to move on. My move across the country wasn't all about me and the love of my life, it was also about finding myself, and figuring things out on my own.

I was lost in so many ways! I came out as a transman in October 2007, the only thing I had accomplished by 2009 was legally changing my name. And the only reason I did that was because I was moving and I NEEDED that fresh start as Justin. I was tired of starting new jobs with 'Kristina' as my legal name. I was so scared of my own process that I made ridiculous amounts of excuses on why I wasn't further along. No I didn't have the money for health insurance, the therapists, or for the testosterone shots. But there are resources to help, and I didn't look for any. I struggled keeping a job, I blamed it on my transition, I said people didn't understand and when I felt uncomfortable I left, I let other people control how long I worked at a job. I didn't even want to work, because I was ashamed of myself, I was ashamed of my name, my body, and the fact that I have trouble passing. As soon as someone mistakenly called me 'she' I would start to think of quitting. I would correct them, but it didn't always work, some choose to still call me a female. So I quit, every job. Now since I'm being honest and all I know I can't blame my transition on leaving all my jobs. I didn't know what kind of job I even wanted as a career, I like the restaurant business, but do I want to work it forever?? I like working with my hands and doing general labor, but as a career?? So I continued job hoping in hopes of eventually finding something I liked.

As my deadline to move to NC came close, I became a wreck. I didn't want to move, but I felt I must. I knew this was my time to truly find myself and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. I was so afraid of failing and not making it out there. I was terrified of people finding out the 'truth' about me. I withdrew from everyone close to me, mine and Ginny's friendship was falling apart. I hoped that the distance would make us better. I hoped we could mend things and when she went out to NC we would try to start over. I hoped I could really find what I'm supposed to be doing in my life time. But by the way things were looking before I left, my hopes were just a mere dream.

Turns out that move was one of the best things I could have ever done. Ty decided to move with me, and our road trip was fun. At times I regretted us living together, because I felt I should have lived in my own place. But in the end it made us stronger friends, we learned a lot about each other. Our adventure almost tore us apart, but we managed to pick up the pieces and he's still my buddy. I found a job at Popeyes; I was determined not to let this job end like the rest. I had no excuses, my name was changed, and everyone saw who I wanted them to see. I worked my ass off there and within a month of working there they began the process of promoting me to shift leader. But I wasn't happy. Yes I loved being big dog at work, but it just didn't feel right. I had the opportunity to grow with this company and really make a living out of this, but I realized I was tired of working with teenagers, I was tired of rude customers who complained of cold fries. I felt I was better than fast food. I don't look down on anyone who chooses this for their career, but it wasn't for me. I want to help people, but not like this.

While working at Popeyes I met a few special people who I have maintained a friendship with. Mainly Cheryl, she was a co-worker and became my best work friend. We talked a lot at work and had fun hanging out on breaks. Her and her fiance Robert took me out and showed me around a little before I left. They knew I was different but they never judged me.

One day in the tow truck with Ty he said "So... your not going to be happy with me, but..." Conversations that started like this never end well between him and I, lol. But this one was different. He was approached by someone asking about me, asking if I was born a female. Ty said yes and offered to talk to me to see if I was open to having lunch with them. This person was also a transman. I have to admit, I felt betrayed by Ty. I had asked several times for him to never talk about my past, with anyone. But after I got over the initial shock and thought about it all, I decided lunch would be a great idea. Afterall, I had never actually talked with another transman before. I talked with my new friend often and began to realize how much we had in common, yet how different we were. I realized I didn't want to live my life dishonestly; I wanted to be proud of who I am no matter who was around. I realized he felt more lost than I did. It made me realize how far I really had come, and still how much father I knew I needed to go.

When we first arrived in NC Ginny and I were barely on speaking terms, and within days we decided not to talk at all. My world crumbled, I couldn't see her and talk to her, to comfort her. I couldn't win her back. However as time passed I decided to send her a text (even though we agreed not to) and we slowly began to talk. We had no options but to talk about our differences, we learned so much about each other. I was happy she was back in my life and as my friend. Yes I still loved her, but not having her in my life at all made me grateful for our friendship. Not only were we getting closer and learning how to communicate but I was learning so much about my self.

For starters I never want to live some where with that amount of trees surrounding me! lol I like to look at nature but not feel like I'm living in the middle of it. It was a beautiful place, but it didn't compare to city life. I decided I didn't want to live in NC anymore, and coincidentally Ginny was playing with the idea of not wanting to move out east. We talked a lot about it and decided to give our relationship another chance. We had grown so much individually that it made us so much closer. The more we talked about her possibly moving to NC to more uneasy she became. So we decided to move to a place we both love and always imagined ourselves ending up. Funny thing is we both had this dream of living in Cali before we ever met. So now we are making this dream come true, together.

I have decided I'm going back to college to get my fire safety certificates, I'm going to be an EMT, and work my way up to work on Flight for Life. Eventually I will go to the fire academy, once I have all my certifications. I will also start going to group sessions at the 'Center' in San Diego for transmen. I will use the resources available for transmen and start my testosterone as soon as I can, and I will be saving for my top surgery. Now I have 7.5 weeks left in Colorado, I feel so anxious!! I have finally found what I want to do and I have found resources to help me in my transition, but I can't do a thing for 2 months! At least I'm not lost anymore though :)

Although I am still young I am not acting foolishly, I am on the road to my dreams. I am confident in who I am, and I know what I want in life. I have a long road ahead of me, it will never be easy and nothing will be 'perfect' but I am prepared for it. I have lost many people in this journey but I now know who my family is, I see who my true friends are, and I know where my support lies. I don't expect San Diego to have all the answers, but it's one hell of a start to making all my dreams come true. And get an awesome tan while I'm at it :)

My #1 Fan

I have the best friend in the entire world! She cares so much about me, in fact with in hours of me confessing I was not a female to her, two and a half years ago ( that story is a whole other blog!), she began to research everything she could about FTM (female to male), and then went on to learn about transgenders in general.

Ginny became so dedicated to learning everything she could, in order to be the best support system possible for me. She literally spent hours, days, weeks on the internet finding resources along with anything else helpful for me. In fact to this day she still sends me info about more options, resources, blogs, etc. Everything and anything that has the potential to help! I may not always dive in to the resources she provides, because I do tend to procrastinate, and I still have a lot of fear. But she never gives up on me, she is always there to help me, listen to me, and even comfort me if needed.

Ginny is an amazing person, with such an open mind and heart. She is truly my number one supporter and I love her so much for that. I can not put in to words how much she means to me. She has helped me more than she will ever know. Ginny honestly accepted me as a transman before I was fully able to, with out her I have no idea where I would be in this process.

I am the luckiest guy in the world to have Ginny as my best friend, my #1 fan, my world; my girlfriend. :) She is my other half, my princess, my one and only, my Always & Forever.

I love you Virginia Rose.

Do I have to be a transman?

I find my self often struggling with being labeled as a transman. Don't get me wrong I'm very proud of who I am and how far I have come, but why can't I just be Justin? I often read other FTM blogs, and there was one particular blog that was giving advice on how to 'fit in' to society, he suggested to find all new friends who don't know your past. This whole blog was telling us to live in secret, 'cause once your friends know or if you choose to keep friends from the past they will never look at you the same. You'll never be looked at as just one of the guys, you'll always be the transman. I understood where the author of this blog was coming from, because before I 'came out' I actually thought about running away and creating a whole new life for myself. I just want to be a normal guy, but I'm not. You would think I would just get over it and accept that no one in my life see's me as simply Justin, instead they all see me as 'different'. Well I'm just not there yet, I'm not willing to cut anymore people out of my life, I kinda like my friends :) but I'm not 100% comfortable being labeled all the time.


It's ironic how most people try so hard to find what is unique about themselves, no one want's to be 'normal' many people strive for others to see how 'special' they are. That is until your viewed as different, then suddenly you find yourself searching for what is normal about yourself. Trying to fit in, as just another guy. Almost wanting to avoid the truth, striving to be viewed as normal.

The more I think about it, why would I want to be just Justin, nothing special or different about me, just a regular guy? Why would I want to hide? How could I not show off how strong I am for over coming adversity! I am so proud not only for myself but for the transgender community as a whole. With that said, that does not mean I'm suddenly over my issue with labels or being viewed as 'different'.

I want people to know, yes, but I don't quiet want EVERYONE to know (yet). I don't want to introduce myself as; "Hello my name is Justin, I'm a transman." lol I guess what I'm saying is the new people I meet in my life, I'd like them to know me as Justin, first. But that's not possible, because the minute I open my mouth and talk they know I'm different, my voice isn't exactly very masculine. I was recently told by a friend who just found out I was not a 'normal' guy, that they knew I was unique from the beginning. It was bitter sweet for me, I was happy that they decided to stay friends, yet upset they knew I was different all along. I feel foolish for thinking anyone in my life whether they know or not see's me as just one of the guys, so why do I get upset when I'm told I'm not? I know people at work view me as different, I hear them talk, I see the looks, but that doesn't stop me from trying to pretend they see me as just another male co-worker. Part of me just wants to tell them, then they wouldn't need to question or gossip. I actually think I'm going to invite a couple co workers to my facebook/blog. I know the looks and comments will still be there, but it will be different. If they choose to talk about me, so be it, I can deal with that. But I don't like to hear the 'she?' comments I don't care if they judge me for staying true to myself, that I am proud of.

I could go back and forth all day; on one hand I'm very proud, on the other I want to be seen as 'normal'. I know how people see me, I know I am indeed very unique to the people in my life, and I'm 100% ok with that, as long as you don't tell me I'm not like the other guys, lol. Knowing it and hearing it are still two different things for me. So do I ask you all to constantly tell me I'm different to help me get over it sooner rather than later? Or do I just let time pass and work on it within myself? Either way I a 100% confident I will get over this, fairly quickly. Just writing about it has helped a ton!

Thanks for all the support, and thanks for reading!! :)

What? I'm coming out... again!?!?

I never in a million years thought I would have a blog! I have always been a very personal/private person. I never talked about my life in much detail with my closest friends, why would I blog about it?? LOL Growing up I was very insecure about myself, I lived like no one should; ashamed of the person in the mirror. However over the last two and a half years I have really become to like, no, LOVE myself. :)

A few months ago I decided I would create a blog, mainly to keep my friends/family up to date with the new happenings in my life. Nothing real personal, just updates. Well things have changed, and I have decided to open this blog to the world and share not just the new adventures in my life, but the biggest journey of my life!

I am a transman. Yes I will finally admit it out loud, to the world even! I was in fact born legally, a female. And these blogs are my personal stories of my transition. This journey is not easy, yet it is SO rewarding. Everyday I look in the mirror I smile at that handsome guy lookin back at me :) I want to share my experience with anyone and everyone who is interested. Maybe other transmen, who are looking for someone to relate with; I understand that as I read tons of blogs when I first started my transition, it really helped me feel less alone. Or maybe this blog will reach people who don't know much if anything about transgenders, I would love to help people understand. Maybe this blog will only be read by my close friends and family after all, who knows? Even if that's the case I'm ok with that, because I have the best friends/supports I could ever imagine. :) I really do love all of you!

Now that I have the first blog out of the way, here's to much more from Sir Justin's Kingdom! I hope you all enjoy, learn, and show me some lovin every now and a again :) BTW: it was hard to limit my smiley faces, lol I'm just so happy to finally be this comfortable with myself and how far I've come. This blog alone, is a huge step for me, and it's incredibly exciting! :)