A Long Road Ahead

I have realized my most recent actions may come across as me being irresponsible, or 'young and dumb' and that couldn't be further from the truth. Many of you don't know the real reasons of my move to North Carolina, so it makes sense that when I move back from NC and say I'm moving to San Diego some might think I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Truth is I wasn't really sure why I was moving across the country. NC had never even been on my radar, in fact I never saw myself permanently moving to the east coast. I would love to visit many places on the east coast, but not necessarily live there.

The Sorensen family was planning on moving to NC the summer of 2010. And at the time (summer of '09) I was feeling a bit lost, wasn't sure where I was going in life, I was very frustrated with my transition process, and still very much in love with my best friend who wasn't ready for a relationship. I was hurting myself by staying so close. One day as a joke I said I should just move to NC before anyone else so I could get on my feet by myself, and look for places for the family. Well the joke turned into reality, and I was scared as hell. I tried to convince myself that it was for the best. I knew I needed the space to move on and I needed to support myself, but did I really need 1600 miles? Yes. The more I thought about it the more I knew that if I stayed it would do me no good. It's like the saying "if you love someone, let them go and if they come back to you, it was meant to be." I had to let go, I had to move on. My move across the country wasn't all about me and the love of my life, it was also about finding myself, and figuring things out on my own.

I was lost in so many ways! I came out as a transman in October 2007, the only thing I had accomplished by 2009 was legally changing my name. And the only reason I did that was because I was moving and I NEEDED that fresh start as Justin. I was tired of starting new jobs with 'Kristina' as my legal name. I was so scared of my own process that I made ridiculous amounts of excuses on why I wasn't further along. No I didn't have the money for health insurance, the therapists, or for the testosterone shots. But there are resources to help, and I didn't look for any. I struggled keeping a job, I blamed it on my transition, I said people didn't understand and when I felt uncomfortable I left, I let other people control how long I worked at a job. I didn't even want to work, because I was ashamed of myself, I was ashamed of my name, my body, and the fact that I have trouble passing. As soon as someone mistakenly called me 'she' I would start to think of quitting. I would correct them, but it didn't always work, some choose to still call me a female. So I quit, every job. Now since I'm being honest and all I know I can't blame my transition on leaving all my jobs. I didn't know what kind of job I even wanted as a career, I like the restaurant business, but do I want to work it forever?? I like working with my hands and doing general labor, but as a career?? So I continued job hoping in hopes of eventually finding something I liked.

As my deadline to move to NC came close, I became a wreck. I didn't want to move, but I felt I must. I knew this was my time to truly find myself and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. I was so afraid of failing and not making it out there. I was terrified of people finding out the 'truth' about me. I withdrew from everyone close to me, mine and Ginny's friendship was falling apart. I hoped that the distance would make us better. I hoped we could mend things and when she went out to NC we would try to start over. I hoped I could really find what I'm supposed to be doing in my life time. But by the way things were looking before I left, my hopes were just a mere dream.

Turns out that move was one of the best things I could have ever done. Ty decided to move with me, and our road trip was fun. At times I regretted us living together, because I felt I should have lived in my own place. But in the end it made us stronger friends, we learned a lot about each other. Our adventure almost tore us apart, but we managed to pick up the pieces and he's still my buddy. I found a job at Popeyes; I was determined not to let this job end like the rest. I had no excuses, my name was changed, and everyone saw who I wanted them to see. I worked my ass off there and within a month of working there they began the process of promoting me to shift leader. But I wasn't happy. Yes I loved being big dog at work, but it just didn't feel right. I had the opportunity to grow with this company and really make a living out of this, but I realized I was tired of working with teenagers, I was tired of rude customers who complained of cold fries. I felt I was better than fast food. I don't look down on anyone who chooses this for their career, but it wasn't for me. I want to help people, but not like this.

While working at Popeyes I met a few special people who I have maintained a friendship with. Mainly Cheryl, she was a co-worker and became my best work friend. We talked a lot at work and had fun hanging out on breaks. Her and her fiance Robert took me out and showed me around a little before I left. They knew I was different but they never judged me.

One day in the tow truck with Ty he said "So... your not going to be happy with me, but..." Conversations that started like this never end well between him and I, lol. But this one was different. He was approached by someone asking about me, asking if I was born a female. Ty said yes and offered to talk to me to see if I was open to having lunch with them. This person was also a transman. I have to admit, I felt betrayed by Ty. I had asked several times for him to never talk about my past, with anyone. But after I got over the initial shock and thought about it all, I decided lunch would be a great idea. Afterall, I had never actually talked with another transman before. I talked with my new friend often and began to realize how much we had in common, yet how different we were. I realized I didn't want to live my life dishonestly; I wanted to be proud of who I am no matter who was around. I realized he felt more lost than I did. It made me realize how far I really had come, and still how much father I knew I needed to go.

When we first arrived in NC Ginny and I were barely on speaking terms, and within days we decided not to talk at all. My world crumbled, I couldn't see her and talk to her, to comfort her. I couldn't win her back. However as time passed I decided to send her a text (even though we agreed not to) and we slowly began to talk. We had no options but to talk about our differences, we learned so much about each other. I was happy she was back in my life and as my friend. Yes I still loved her, but not having her in my life at all made me grateful for our friendship. Not only were we getting closer and learning how to communicate but I was learning so much about my self.

For starters I never want to live some where with that amount of trees surrounding me! lol I like to look at nature but not feel like I'm living in the middle of it. It was a beautiful place, but it didn't compare to city life. I decided I didn't want to live in NC anymore, and coincidentally Ginny was playing with the idea of not wanting to move out east. We talked a lot about it and decided to give our relationship another chance. We had grown so much individually that it made us so much closer. The more we talked about her possibly moving to NC to more uneasy she became. So we decided to move to a place we both love and always imagined ourselves ending up. Funny thing is we both had this dream of living in Cali before we ever met. So now we are making this dream come true, together.

I have decided I'm going back to college to get my fire safety certificates, I'm going to be an EMT, and work my way up to work on Flight for Life. Eventually I will go to the fire academy, once I have all my certifications. I will also start going to group sessions at the 'Center' in San Diego for transmen. I will use the resources available for transmen and start my testosterone as soon as I can, and I will be saving for my top surgery. Now I have 7.5 weeks left in Colorado, I feel so anxious!! I have finally found what I want to do and I have found resources to help me in my transition, but I can't do a thing for 2 months! At least I'm not lost anymore though :)

Although I am still young I am not acting foolishly, I am on the road to my dreams. I am confident in who I am, and I know what I want in life. I have a long road ahead of me, it will never be easy and nothing will be 'perfect' but I am prepared for it. I have lost many people in this journey but I now know who my family is, I see who my true friends are, and I know where my support lies. I don't expect San Diego to have all the answers, but it's one hell of a start to making all my dreams come true. And get an awesome tan while I'm at it :)