Fe=Iron Male=Man

I do not want to write this blog, and I do not want to make a video. I have put this off for a long time out of fear and embarrassment. The time has come, I need to stop running and trying to hide. I need to learn to be proud of me, embrace who I am, but how? I think this blog will be a good start, so here we go...

I always have been attracted to girls. I remember when I was little constantly wishing I was born a boy; I my life would be easier if I were just born a boy. I could wear the clothes I like, express myself without someone telling me "that is not lady like". I would be able to like girls and feel 'normal' I could be in a relationship and not worry about people judging me and talking badly behind my back, I could hang out with the guys and not be treated differently. If I were born a boy I could be happy. I tried to suppress my feelings for girls; I acted like I was attracted to guys, when around friends and family. I denied liking girls when family asked. I was always told it didn't matter if I liked girls, but the fact that they felt they needed to say that made me feel ashamed, I did not feel it was okay. Some people in my family are homophobic, and watching them make fun of people behind their backs made me want to suppress what I was feeling even more. I did not want them to think badly of me, I wanted them to just accept me and love me, but I didn't think they would if I liked girls. They wouldn't think badly of me liking girls if I were born a boy like I should have been.

I was teased a lot growing up for trying to express myself. The people that teased me didn't realize they were bullying me, they thought it was a joke, or they were trying to help me be more like a girl. All my life I have been told, that's a boy thing, only boys do that, you act like a boy, why do you want to look like a boy, close your legs you are a lady, don't do that boys act like that... It was very confusing and frustrating for me. I withdrew completely from friends and family. I wanted to disappear; I wished I were just born a boy.

In 2007 I had enough, was tired of people trying to make me more feminine I was tired of never feeling good enough. I still wished I were born a boy, maybe then my life wouldn't be so depressing. I did some research and found out about transgender, I thought this was the answer to my prayers...

It has been four and a half years since I came out as trans and started living my life as a boy. To my surprise the last four years have not been struggle free, I still feel lost. Living as transgender was not the answer I had been searching for. I still feel incomplete, I still feel not good enough. It does not matter how hard I try to be me, I just do not feel happy with me. I legally changed my name to Justin Derek, I needed a masculine name to prove I was a boy, I did not tolerate anyone using female pronouns, I left every job I had (fairly quickly) because believed they did not accept me as a male. Truth is I couldn't accept myself.

So I'm sitting here almost five years later, feeling as lost as I did in 2007. A while ago I brought up the topic of possibly using female pronouns again, but I was so scared of the expectations of being a girl. I do not feel good enough to be a girl, but I'm not male. I know everyone will tell me to just be me and I am good enough, well I don't feel like it. I lived 21 years surrounded by female expectations by everyone I encountered. That is hard to get over. I don't know how to be me and use female pronouns; they don't seem to go together for me. I am also very afraid of giving transgender a bad name; it is not a phase people go through. It is not girls trying to be boys. I was simply scared and didn't know what else to do, I made a wrong turn. I do not regret my decision; I needed these last four years. Living as male has let me express myself guilt free, the teasing has subsided, I stopped wanting to disappear, I stopped harming myself, and I have gained some confidence. The last four and half years saved my life. Now it is time to step out of this shadow and learn how to shine. This will be the end of my transgender journey; I am going to start a new blog for my new journey. I am closing this door and finally walking out of the door that has been patiently waiting for me. I am IronMan, you know... Fe-Male.