No T for Me

I find myself questioning if going through hormone therapy (aka Testosterone or T) is the best option for me. This isn't a recent dilemma; I've hesitated about wanting to take T since I came out in 2007. I feel like taking T should be part of my transition, honestly I fear not being a legit Transman without testosterone. It sounds silly when I say that out loud because I know testosterone doesn't define me as a man, but it's how I feel sometimes.

I am proud of the changes and improvements I have made over the years. In 2007 when I came out, if someone dared to mistake me for a female I would become so defensive I think I almost offended them, and it would literally ruin my entire day. Many times I was brought to tears that people didn't see me as the male I was trying so hard to show them. The mistakes haven't decreased like I thought they had, but instead I have become more comfortable with who I am. I am generally seen and referred to as male, but because of my voice I notice I confuse people and then referred to as female the next time they use a pronoun when talking about me. If it's someone I have continuous contact with, such as coworkers or neighbors, I correct them, but when it comes to customers at work I tend not to correct anymore. I am there simply as a service, if I give them information about a product and they turn around to their party and say "she just said..." I just leave it. No sense on following them correcting them announcing “I AM MALE!” just to fix a pronoun that will only confuse and possibly start an unnecessary apology/awkwardness. Occasionally I have a customer approach me saying 'sir' then when I talk they'll apologize and say 'she,' then I do let them know they were correct the first time. I always get this confused look, followed by a complete look me up and down, 'what are you' kind of look. It does make me uncomfortable but not as much as it used to. The more comfortable I become in my own skin the less awkward those situations are. By choosing not to go on T, I know I will continue to go through situations like this, but even if I did do T, it won’t make my voice deep like a bio male, like I want. I will still have a 'different' voice. I don't want the voice I have yet I'm afraid to change it; I'm terrified I won't like my new voice. I don't want a scratchy voice that sounds robotic. So as of right now weighing the pros and cons of my voice and the voice T will give me, I am choosing my voice. I may not like it, but I know I'll be devastated if I don't like the voice I have after starting T. I have a friend who has a quote on their facebook that I really love: "It doesn't matter what people call you, it's what you answer to." I find this quote meaningful in many ways, so thank you Randy!! :)

I thought I wanted most of what T has to offer and only few things I didn't want, however the more I think about it the more I realize it's the complete opposite. I only partially want a few things hormone therapy has to offer, the rest just isn't for me. Hormone therapy offers a deeper voice; increased muscle mass and upper body strength; increased growth, coarseness, and thickness of hair on arms, legs, chest, back, and abdomen; growth of clitoris which increases sex drive; vaginal dryness; menstrual period comes to a stop; redistribution of body fat to fit a more masculine pattern such as more fat around the waist, less around the hips; and male pattern balding. The only things that really catch my attention are a deeper voice, muscle mass, and stopping the menstrual cycle. I don’t want a higher sex drive. Let’s face it, I don’t get it much anyway, why would I want to want it more often! haha. The side effects T gives are not only life altering but can be life threatening. In the beginning I was all for risking everything about myself for a 'new me.' Now? Not so much. While I'm still producing estrogen, if I then start pumping myself with testosterone, it can do some serious damage to my internal parts such as: uterus cancer, liver damage, blood pressure issues, yeast infections, breast cancer, clotting issues, and several other side effects. When I was in my teens I was on Acutain for my acne. That med is really hard on your liver, and being on T is also really tough on your liver, last I checked my liver is fine, but I'm worried about my insides being trashed just so I can be hairy everywhere, have a voice I may not like, and get some extra upper body muscle which I could most likely get on my own. It's not easy to get 'approved' to take hormone therapy. Not only would I need a letter from a psychiatrist diagnosing me with Gender Identity Disorder, but I would also need a TON of blood work and tests done before any doctor will clear me to get started. Then once on T, I would have to go back often to have my blood work re-done to make sure the testosterone isn't damaging everything. I would be giving myself shots everyday for the rest of my life, and constantly in for blood work to keep an eye on my liver along everything else. I just don't think it's worth it for me. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars for a body/voice I'm not going to love. I can build my own muscle mass, it may take a little longer and a ton of dedication but it's very plausible, and as for the voice, I guess I'll just have to get used to mine.

I have struggled a lot in the past with 'needing' people to see my relationship as a heterosexual relationship, but as I grow more confident in myself, the need for people to view my personal life is less of a worry to me. I am not always 100% comfortable with people viewing my relationship as a lesbian relationship but I think I can come around to the point where it truly doesn't matter what strangers/acquaintances think. I honestly think I can be ok with others viewing me however they choose to. I present myself as male to the fullest, if they choose to judge then that's on them. I don't need to be referred to as her boyfriend, I'm ok with being her partner. As long as I have her and we understand what we have, that's what matters to me.

I COULD do nothing medically (no surgery, no drugs, no nothing) and still be Trans. I have read other blogs where people flat out admit that they are trans, identify as male (or female) but have no intentions on changing anything. That's just who they are and they are ok with that. I have really thought about it and I have to ask myself if I'm ok with putting mascara on my 'whiskers' when I do want noticeable facial hair, and actually I am. I don't want to be full of hair, so a little mustache is right up my alley lol. By doing nothing medically I feel this is the healthiest route for me, not only physically but emotionally as well. I don't know if I'll be able to afford T for the rest of my life and going on and off just doesn't seem beneficial to my body, I'm worried it would really mess things up hormonally. There aren't very many studies on what hormone therapy does to transmen long term, the long term effects I have read up on are not good for anyone's body. Injecting something un-natural is bound to take its toll on the body. This is just my personal decision, other trans friends I have who have started T or are about to, I am truly happy for them. This is what is best for them personally, it's their choice and I think if it makes them happy then good for them! We are all on our own journey, it's an emotionally similar journey but we all take different paths. My path isn't leading me to hormone therapy, at least not at this stage in my life. I will still get my top surgery when I can afford it, and after I get my letter from a psychiatrist. But after the surgery, I will be done. My transition will not be over, as there is always something to work and improve on, but medically, my transition will end there.