I have no more pride left, I have choked down my last bit. It's time for me to really get my shit together and grow up. And in order for me to do that I need to own up to my actions. I have fought myself along with others on the subject of me taking care of myself, well I'm here to admit it. Unfortunately you were right. My argument was; I have a job, and I'm paying my bills that is responsible, that's me taking care of myself. I paid for my rent, my utilities, and most of my groceries. However I also had my grandma slipping me cash on the side, buying me cd's, and putting gas in my car a lot. But I was paying my bills! Well I fell pretty hard when I was completely on my own. I didn't realize how much she helped me out, she didn't pay for my bills, but she did pay for most of my fun stuff. Reality slapped me in the face, I realized I couldn't afford to pay my bills and have the fun stuff too. Sad part is my realization came too late. I was already in debt, and I happened to be unemployed. After my car accident in '06 I went back to work at Kohls, but had a hard time keeping up cause my back was still pretty sore. Instead of doing the 'easy' jobs they offered I let my pride get the best of me and decided if I couldn't help unload the trucks I wasn't going to work there, and quit. From there it went down hill for me. Every job after that never lasted more than a couple months, I always used my back as an excuse. I did hurt, but if I had done the exercises the doctors told me to and stopped whining I could have stayed at any of those jobs. I also left a lot of the jobs because once again my pride got the best of me and I was embarrassed to be in my 20's and working at fast food with a bunch of teenagers. Then I announced me transition, hey a new excuse on why not to keep 'this job'!! and so the instability continues. After I quit Kohls Ginny and I decided to live together, not as a couple but as roommates. Obviously I wasn't the best roommate, with my lack of consistent income. We talked about going our separate ways, (living wise) a couple times, but never did. I thought it was cause she didn't want to live with out me! Lol just kidding. Honestly she wouldn't kick me out not because she couldn't live without me but because she has such a big heart and she knew, despite my stubborn-ness, that if we went our own ways I would fall flat on my face in a stinking pile of failure and end up on the streets. So we made stupid rules, like I clean the house or babysit Raven to make up for my part of the bills. None of this was fair to her, and I felt bad about it but didn't know how to change it. Especially being so stubborn and feeling ashamed of so many things.
I'm sure your thinking that when I did have an income, at least I paid what I could right? Nope, instead I tried to just make us happy. (The irresponsible way) I would take us out to expensive dinners, or buy flowers, or even the occasional expensive gift. All these are great thoughts, and seem like such a sweet thing to do. But not when I'm not paying my part of the bills to do so. I didn't put two and two together, I wasn't being sweet I was being an ass. By me buying all that stuff and not paying bills was the exact same as Ginny buying that stuff for herself. Suddenly my nice gestures aren't so nice. In fact I just burst my own bubble.
We finally decided we needed to live separately, mostly because of my responsibility issues that's when I moved to NC. I thought this was my chance to prove I can do it on my own, well things didn't go as planned. My buddy ended up coming with me. My dad helped me out with some cash, which paid for my half of the road trip and some groceries when we first got there. Then I was flat broke. My buddy gets money from the VA every month so we both figured we'd be fine until we got jobs. A month later he gets a job, but money was still scarce. I had no income, and he was paying not only for rent but the groceries too. About 2 weeks after that I got a job. I was convinced once I got a job I'd start paying my part, well then we came to 'an agreement' that I would only pay a certain amount per month, which was far from half. But since he had a job and the VA check and I only had a fast food job that paid shit, it made sense, right? NO! It wasn't fair to him, I was a horrible friend to do that. Ty I'm sorry, it wasn't fair to you at all, I should have paid my half of things.
On a good note I did grow up a little out there, I realized what I wanted out of life and how important some people were to my life. Ginny and I really opened up or communication, and fell in love with each other all over. It was great. I (we) were so happy. We decided to finally make the move to San Diego. At first I was flying in to Denver just for a couple days then heading to Cali to find a job and get on my feet. Well once again things changed, I got two jobs in Denver and made a deal that if I kept at least one until we left I'd stay. Well I didn't keep either, and not by lack of trying. I really tried at one of them, I knew how important it was. However, my manager and I could not get along if our lives depended on it! And yet I stayed in Colorado for two months with out a job. Once again I didn't hold my end of the bargain.
Now that we are in San Diego I'm trying my hardest to find a job, I'm unsuccessful thus far, and it's eating away at me. Ginny is paying for everything, and I have nothing to contribute. I have lost her trust and faith in me to do right by here. Of course I always have good intentions but that's not enough. I really hope it's not to late to mend things and prove I can come through. Actions speak louder than words, and my actions have sucked. My track record is horrible. I know I can fix it and I plan to. I feel like shit, I have been a horrible friend, a horrible roommate, and now a bad boyfriend.
I refuse to keep living like this. I am a good person at heart, I need to start showing it. I will pay my part and be responsible. I will not let her down again, I swear it. I will be a better person, not for her, but for me. I need this. I can not keep letting people take care of me. I need to know I can make it with out others. I don't need us to go our separate ways to prove this, I can do it with how things are, I just need a damn job!! Once I have a job (or two) then we both will see that I can keep my word and have financial stability. I just hope she has the patience for me. I'm going to do it. No more deals or bargains. Just me being an adult, and taking responsibility. My mind set has changed, I'm honestly tired of living like this. Not only is it not healthy for me, but it's not fair to those 'helping me'. I'm taking control of my life. I will not let my pride get the best of me! And I will mend my relationships with those I've hurt/taken advantage of as best as I can.
I would honestly like your opinion. Yes you, if you read this then tell me what you think. Even if you don't think I'll want to hear it. If you don't want to comment on here send me a message on FB. But I'd like to hear from my readers! :)
Aug 4, 2010
Ashamed...
Sometimes I struggle to not feel ashamed of certain things. I know I'm hard on myself and don't let things go when I probably should, but sometimes I just don't know how to.
I feel ashamed that I didn't have the courage to come out earlier. Maybe if I had, I would have had a happier teen life, but then again who knows maybe it would have been worse. If I'm this scared of certain things at 23 how would I have handled it as a pre-teen or younger? The reasons I have for waiting seem logical to me. But I've come to realize I tend to give a lot of excuses for things instead of 'maning up' and admitting I did wrong. I'm working on getting over my frustration with myself for not doing this earlier, I'm also working on not using excuses lol.
I'm still self conscience and ashamed of my voice, I tend to mumble a lot around others in attempt to lower my voice. I think I sometimes end up coming off as rude, I don't mean to, but I'm tired of being called 'she' because they don't look at me or pay attention they hear me and assume I'm female. I'm still very frustrated and feel ashamed that I'm not further along, I mean it's been 3 long ass years and I feel like I'm going no where sometimes, I know I should also let this go and just focus on my future. I have the opportunity to make things happen for myself and I plan on doing so, but every time I take a step forward I think of where I could be right now if I had done this all when I first came out as a transman. I have given a ton of excuses on why I'm not further along, none of which are a good enough reason to not have my letter yet and be starting my testosterone shots (T). I'm working hard on solely focusing on the positive and pushing myself to only look forward and not worry about what I should have done. What's done is done I can't control my past, so I'm letting it go and I'm going get things going as soon as I can!
Since I'm on the subject of feeling ashamed I guess I should share it all, I often find myself ashamed of my body. Before I came out I wasn't just ashamed of my body, I hated it, and I never understood it. But since everyone saw me as a female it was ok to acknowledge the fact that I have a chest and female parts. Once I came out as a man I stopped hating myself and learned to love me, well most of me, I still felt ashamed of my body. I felt the need to hide it, mostly from myself. I never really looked at my body in the mirror with out clothes on in the past, and I made sure to avoid it if possible once I came out. It made me sad that I didn't have the body I felt I should. I never took a step back and thought about how this was affecting those closest to me, I figured if I act like I'm a man then everyone will also, or if I don't know them they will assume I'm anatomically correct. It didn't work like I had hoped, I unintentionally hurt my the person closest to me in the process. Before my transition my girlfriend and I had dated on and off, and when we were together things were fine between us sexually, we both enjoyed each other. But after my transition, I stopped letting her touch me in a sexual way, I didn't think it would bother her I just made it all about her and figured things were fine. Now that we are officially a couple and not just dating occasionally I have learned things aren't fine, instead of making her feel special I made her feel like she wasn't good enough, like I didn't want her anymore. That couldn't be farther from the truth, I loved when we would play together, but after my transition started I felt awkward and felt like I should suddenly have male genitals. I thought if I let her in my pants she would be disappointed. I'm her boyfriend, yet I lack some important equipment. I was so worried about myself and my own insecurities I never thought about how she was dealing with all this. Not only did I make her question her own sexuality but then I make her feel inadequate, for 3 years! What an ass of me! Lol But seriously, I fee horrible for making her feel like she isn't good enough. So I have been working hard to learn how to be proud of my body and not ashamed of what I have. After all most people would change something about their body if given the opportunity, I'm not a freak. I'm not sure if she knows this, but one night she asked me lay naked on the bed with her with the lights on and we just talked, about everything. That helped me more than I could have imagined. I didn't feel awkward, I knew she loved me for me, didn't matter if I have breasts or lacking a penis. I don't doubt she loves me, but I had convinced myself she didn't like my body and didn't want to see me naked (just another excuse). That was one of the best nights :) We really connected and just talked, naked for hours. This helped me a ton, but not all my problems can be solved by laying naked on a bed talking for hours. But how awesome would it be if it could?? I'd lay naked all the time! ;)
Honestly just writing this makes me feel better. No one is perfect, I may not be completely happy with my entire body, but who is? I refuse to be ashamed of my self any longer. Yes I have a bigger chest then some men, and yes I have love handles, and yes I have a vagina. I can fix the first two, and I'm going to learn to accept the third. I will not make my girlfriend feel undesirable any longer. She a beautiful person inside and out, and I love her so much.
By sharing this will help me fix what I want to fix. Things won't change over night, but at least I'm working of fixing things for the better :) I am going to stop making excuses, I will follow through with things, I will not hide my body, I will show my amazing girlfriend how much I love her and how I find her very desirable. I will change my behavior for the better, and concentrate on having a more positive mind set about myself.
I feel ashamed that I didn't have the courage to come out earlier. Maybe if I had, I would have had a happier teen life, but then again who knows maybe it would have been worse. If I'm this scared of certain things at 23 how would I have handled it as a pre-teen or younger? The reasons I have for waiting seem logical to me. But I've come to realize I tend to give a lot of excuses for things instead of 'maning up' and admitting I did wrong. I'm working on getting over my frustration with myself for not doing this earlier, I'm also working on not using excuses lol.
I'm still self conscience and ashamed of my voice, I tend to mumble a lot around others in attempt to lower my voice. I think I sometimes end up coming off as rude, I don't mean to, but I'm tired of being called 'she' because they don't look at me or pay attention they hear me and assume I'm female. I'm still very frustrated and feel ashamed that I'm not further along, I mean it's been 3 long ass years and I feel like I'm going no where sometimes, I know I should also let this go and just focus on my future. I have the opportunity to make things happen for myself and I plan on doing so, but every time I take a step forward I think of where I could be right now if I had done this all when I first came out as a transman. I have given a ton of excuses on why I'm not further along, none of which are a good enough reason to not have my letter yet and be starting my testosterone shots (T). I'm working hard on solely focusing on the positive and pushing myself to only look forward and not worry about what I should have done. What's done is done I can't control my past, so I'm letting it go and I'm going get things going as soon as I can!
Since I'm on the subject of feeling ashamed I guess I should share it all, I often find myself ashamed of my body. Before I came out I wasn't just ashamed of my body, I hated it, and I never understood it. But since everyone saw me as a female it was ok to acknowledge the fact that I have a chest and female parts. Once I came out as a man I stopped hating myself and learned to love me, well most of me, I still felt ashamed of my body. I felt the need to hide it, mostly from myself. I never really looked at my body in the mirror with out clothes on in the past, and I made sure to avoid it if possible once I came out. It made me sad that I didn't have the body I felt I should. I never took a step back and thought about how this was affecting those closest to me, I figured if I act like I'm a man then everyone will also, or if I don't know them they will assume I'm anatomically correct. It didn't work like I had hoped, I unintentionally hurt my the person closest to me in the process. Before my transition my girlfriend and I had dated on and off, and when we were together things were fine between us sexually, we both enjoyed each other. But after my transition, I stopped letting her touch me in a sexual way, I didn't think it would bother her I just made it all about her and figured things were fine. Now that we are officially a couple and not just dating occasionally I have learned things aren't fine, instead of making her feel special I made her feel like she wasn't good enough, like I didn't want her anymore. That couldn't be farther from the truth, I loved when we would play together, but after my transition started I felt awkward and felt like I should suddenly have male genitals. I thought if I let her in my pants she would be disappointed. I'm her boyfriend, yet I lack some important equipment. I was so worried about myself and my own insecurities I never thought about how she was dealing with all this. Not only did I make her question her own sexuality but then I make her feel inadequate, for 3 years! What an ass of me! Lol But seriously, I fee horrible for making her feel like she isn't good enough. So I have been working hard to learn how to be proud of my body and not ashamed of what I have. After all most people would change something about their body if given the opportunity, I'm not a freak. I'm not sure if she knows this, but one night she asked me lay naked on the bed with her with the lights on and we just talked, about everything. That helped me more than I could have imagined. I didn't feel awkward, I knew she loved me for me, didn't matter if I have breasts or lacking a penis. I don't doubt she loves me, but I had convinced myself she didn't like my body and didn't want to see me naked (just another excuse). That was one of the best nights :) We really connected and just talked, naked for hours. This helped me a ton, but not all my problems can be solved by laying naked on a bed talking for hours. But how awesome would it be if it could?? I'd lay naked all the time! ;)
Honestly just writing this makes me feel better. No one is perfect, I may not be completely happy with my entire body, but who is? I refuse to be ashamed of my self any longer. Yes I have a bigger chest then some men, and yes I have love handles, and yes I have a vagina. I can fix the first two, and I'm going to learn to accept the third. I will not make my girlfriend feel undesirable any longer. She a beautiful person inside and out, and I love her so much.
By sharing this will help me fix what I want to fix. Things won't change over night, but at least I'm working of fixing things for the better :) I am going to stop making excuses, I will follow through with things, I will not hide my body, I will show my amazing girlfriend how much I love her and how I find her very desirable. I will change my behavior for the better, and concentrate on having a more positive mind set about myself.
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