This is an essay Ginny wrote for one of her classes :) I'm proud to be the inspiration for her chosen topic. This essay, along with all her research actually helped me more than I imagined it would. I have even changed my mind on which surgery(s) I want/will be pursuing. I hope this is helpful for you all to understand just a little more of what my journey entails. :) Please feel free to let me know what you think about it, I LOVE it :)
Quest for Perfection: Unity Inside Out
A female to male transsexual (FTM), also known as a transman, is defined as a person who is born into a female body, but whose gender identity is male (Hudson, 2004-2010). According to a study conducted in 2005, there were only 321 self-identified transmen in the United States (Forshee, 2008). The majority of those identified in the study were under 35, employed, with at least some college education (Forshee, 2008). They are brothers, fathers, sons, neighbors, coworkers, doctors, lawyers, actors, waiters; they are everyday people. But they are people who often struggle to find their place in society. Surgery is not a requirement to live part- or even full-time as a male; however, for some it is a personal necessity. Some transmen use cosmetic surgery in their quest for perfection, to gain unity inside out, with chest reconstruction, a hysterectomy, and genital reconstruction.
Although many transmen want to finish the process immediately and move onward to live their lives as normal men, there are options to consider and steps to complete. The first requirement is for the in-depth psychological counseling that a transman must go through prior to any gender reassignment surgery (Encyclopedia of Surgery, 2007-2009). The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) Standards of Care requires the individual to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder (Hudson, 2004-2010). They must also obtain letters from at least two certified therapists, giving them the “go-ahead” for the surgeries (Hudson, 2004-2010). These surgeries are irreversible and the guidelines are in place to ensure that the transman is truly ready for the next steps in the process. The gender reassignment is not just one single sex-change operation, it is many. Along with the surgeries, many transmen choose to take testosterone as part of their transition. The testosterone must be taken for the remainder of their lives (Green, 1994).
A good amount of research must be done before embarking down the path to surgery. For each surgery different surgeons have different techniques, and each person's body is different to begin with; therefore, results will vary widely from one patient to the next. The transman must be realistic about what he wants versus what he can achieve with each of the surgeries (Green, 1994). These surgeries can be very costly and are rarely covered even partially by health insurance (Hudson, 2004-2010). As with any surgery, there are many risks: infection, post-operative pain, bleeding, dissatisfaction with results, and the need to return for repairs (Encyclopedia of Surgery, 2007-2009). However, one can minimize these risks by maintaining an overall higher level of health and fitness including weight management and not smoking prior to the surgery (Hudson, 2004-2010). With the research and pre-work done, a transman can choose to continue his quest with one or more surgical procedures.
The most commonly sought-after surgery in the female to male transition process is the chest reconstruction. This surgery is the only surgery for many transmen (Hudson, 2004-2010) because in most states this surgery alone is enough to change their gender to male legally (Green, 1994). Being legally male has many personal benefits to the transman and largely aids him in being seen as a male to the rest of society. The top surgery allows the transman to have a flat, contoured, male-looking chest without the need for binding, and provides the ability for him to even go shirtless in public. This surgery in particular is much easier for the surgeon to achieve the desired results if the patient has already been working out because he or she can better shape the new chest with the patient's existing pectoral muscles (Green, 1994).
Of the many techniques used for chest reconstruction, the two most common are the keyhole/peri-areola and the double incision. The keyhole/peri-areola technique, done only for small breasts, yields little scarring because the incision is done around the areola (Hudson, 2004-2010). Liposuction is most often used to remove the mammary tissue, and then the nipples are replaced in the original position to cover the scars (Hudson, 2004-2010). The double incision, done mainly for medium to large breasts, consists of two long incisions along the bottom of the breast, exposing all the mammary gland and fatty tissue, and allowing excess skin to be fully removed (Hudson, 2004-2010). Although the double incision results in more prominent scarring, the technique gives the surgeon better opportunity to achieve the desired results without the need for follow-up procedures.
Many doctors recommend, and sometimes require, for a transman to have a total hysterectomy and oophorectomy. In a few states the oophorectomy is the required surgery to change one's legal gender from female to male (Green, 1994). Also, doctors recommended that the hysterectomy and oophorectomy be done within five years of starting the testosterone therapy because of the potential increased risks of endometrial and ovarian cancer (Hudson, 2004-2010). Female organs, and the resulting menstrual cycles, often cause psychological confusion for transmen, especially in their younger years (Nick, 2007) making this surgery a personal necessity for them.
The hysterectomy, removal of the uterus and cervix, and the oophorectomy, removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes, can be done through an incision in the abdominal wall just above the pubic hairline, or through the vaginal canal (Hudson, 2004-2010). The vaginal canal leaves no visible scarring; unfortunately, if the vaginal canal is too narrow for the surgical instruments then the abdominal incision must be used (Hudson, 2004-2010). The completion of these surgeries can often result in the need for a lower dose of testosterone because the body is no longer producing estrogen to counteract the testosterone (Hudson, 2004-2010).
For some transmen, even with the chest reconstruction and hysterectomy, possessing male genitalia is a requirement for them ultimately to view themselves as a complete male. Mainly two different techniques are used to achieve the goal of a penis: metoidioplasty and phalloplasty. With the ongoing use of testosterone, the clitoris often grows longer (Hudson, 2004-2010). Metoidioplasty, also known as clitoral free-up, uses the elongated clitoris as the new penis (Hudson, 2004-2010). The process includes cutting the ligaments that hold the clitoris in place, and removal or changing of the surrounding tissue to achieve the correct placement and look of a normal penis (Hudson, 2004-2010). Phalloplasty is the construction of a penis using donor skin and tissue from the patients abdomen, groin/leg, or forearm; most often the forearm (Hudson, 2004-2010). Phalloplasty is very uncommon not only because of the high price, but also because the surgeries are done by very few surgeons throughout the world and the results most often do not produce “normal” looking male genitalia (Hudson, 2004-2010).
For some, the significant cost of $50,000 or more is well worth it to ensure that no one ever sees that they are a woman “after-all” (Green, 1994). Which surgery to get, if any, is a very personal choice and the reasons behind the decision are different from person to person. Metoidioplasty gives the transman a small, but normal appearing penis with minimal scarring; although, the final size depends on how long the clitoris grew with the testosterone therapy and even the largest is generally not enough for penetration during intercourse (Hudson, 2004-2010). On the other hand, Phalloplasty can give the transman an average sized penis capable of penetration during intercourse, standing urination, and a more acceptable appearance in places such as locker rooms; however the high price paid for this procedure includes multiple surgeries and revisions, very painful and significant recovery time, and large visible scarring (Hudson, 2004-2010).
When a person starts on a mission to change his or her sexual identity, he or she is embarking on one of the most significant changes a person can experience (Encyclopedia of Surgery, 2007-2009). Although some transmen do seek out the hormonal therapy and gender reassignment surgeries, the majority of transmen will never surgically alter their appearance (Encyclopedia of Surgery, 2007-2009). And even of those who do follow through with any portion of the process, many will “go stealth” by fitting themselves into society with no mention of their past (Forshee, 2008). It is a long and hard road, this quest for perfection. For some it is worth that ultimate goal of gaining unity in themselves. For them the feeling that they are the same person inside and out, is worth every penny, every pain, every price they pay in the end.
Reference List
Encyclopedia of Surgery.(2007-2009). Sex Reassignment Surgery. Retrieved March 27, 2010 from http://www.surgeryencyclopedia.com/pa-st/sex-reassignment-surgery.html
Forshee, A. S. (April 2008). Transgender Men: A Demographic Snapshot. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, 20(3), 221-236. Retrieved April 10, 2010 from http://search.ebscohost.com/
Green, J. (1994). Getting Real about FTM Surgery. Gender.Org. Retrieved March 27, 2010 from http://www.gender.org/resources/getting_real.html
Hudson. (2004-2010). FTM Resource Guide. Retrieved March 15, 2010 from http://www.ftmguide.org/
Nick. (October 2007). The Hysterectomy Hierarchy. Retrieved March 27, 2010 from http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/hysthyst.html
Schilt, K., & Waszkiewicz, E. (2006). I Feel So Much More in My Body: Challenging the Significance of the Penis in Transsexual Men's Bodies. Conference Papers – American Sociological Association; 2006 Annual Meeting, Montreal, p1, 25p. Retrieved March 16, 2010, from http://search.ebscohost.com/
Jun 10, 2010
Jun 8, 2010
A Long Road Ahead
I have realized my most recent actions may come across as me being irresponsible, or 'young and dumb' and that couldn't be further from the truth. Many of you don't know the real reasons of my move to North Carolina, so it makes sense that when I move back from NC and say I'm moving to San Diego some might think I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Truth is I wasn't really sure why I was moving across the country. NC had never even been on my radar, in fact I never saw myself permanently moving to the east coast. I would love to visit many places on the east coast, but not necessarily live there.
The Sorensen family was planning on moving to NC the summer of 2010. And at the time (summer of '09) I was feeling a bit lost, wasn't sure where I was going in life, I was very frustrated with my transition process, and still very much in love with my best friend who wasn't ready for a relationship. I was hurting myself by staying so close. One day as a joke I said I should just move to NC before anyone else so I could get on my feet by myself, and look for places for the family. Well the joke turned into reality, and I was scared as hell. I tried to convince myself that it was for the best. I knew I needed the space to move on and I needed to support myself, but did I really need 1600 miles? Yes. The more I thought about it the more I knew that if I stayed it would do me no good. It's like the saying "if you love someone, let them go and if they come back to you, it was meant to be." I had to let go, I had to move on. My move across the country wasn't all about me and the love of my life, it was also about finding myself, and figuring things out on my own.
I was lost in so many ways! I came out as a transman in October 2007, the only thing I had accomplished by 2009 was legally changing my name. And the only reason I did that was because I was moving and I NEEDED that fresh start as Justin. I was tired of starting new jobs with 'Kristina' as my legal name. I was so scared of my own process that I made ridiculous amounts of excuses on why I wasn't further along. No I didn't have the money for health insurance, the therapists, or for the testosterone shots. But there are resources to help, and I didn't look for any. I struggled keeping a job, I blamed it on my transition, I said people didn't understand and when I felt uncomfortable I left, I let other people control how long I worked at a job. I didn't even want to work, because I was ashamed of myself, I was ashamed of my name, my body, and the fact that I have trouble passing. As soon as someone mistakenly called me 'she' I would start to think of quitting. I would correct them, but it didn't always work, some choose to still call me a female. So I quit, every job. Now since I'm being honest and all I know I can't blame my transition on leaving all my jobs. I didn't know what kind of job I even wanted as a career, I like the restaurant business, but do I want to work it forever?? I like working with my hands and doing general labor, but as a career?? So I continued job hoping in hopes of eventually finding something I liked.
As my deadline to move to NC came close, I became a wreck. I didn't want to move, but I felt I must. I knew this was my time to truly find myself and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. I was so afraid of failing and not making it out there. I was terrified of people finding out the 'truth' about me. I withdrew from everyone close to me, mine and Ginny's friendship was falling apart. I hoped that the distance would make us better. I hoped we could mend things and when she went out to NC we would try to start over. I hoped I could really find what I'm supposed to be doing in my life time. But by the way things were looking before I left, my hopes were just a mere dream.
Turns out that move was one of the best things I could have ever done. Ty decided to move with me, and our road trip was fun. At times I regretted us living together, because I felt I should have lived in my own place. But in the end it made us stronger friends, we learned a lot about each other. Our adventure almost tore us apart, but we managed to pick up the pieces and he's still my buddy. I found a job at Popeyes; I was determined not to let this job end like the rest. I had no excuses, my name was changed, and everyone saw who I wanted them to see. I worked my ass off there and within a month of working there they began the process of promoting me to shift leader. But I wasn't happy. Yes I loved being big dog at work, but it just didn't feel right. I had the opportunity to grow with this company and really make a living out of this, but I realized I was tired of working with teenagers, I was tired of rude customers who complained of cold fries. I felt I was better than fast food. I don't look down on anyone who chooses this for their career, but it wasn't for me. I want to help people, but not like this.
While working at Popeyes I met a few special people who I have maintained a friendship with. Mainly Cheryl, she was a co-worker and became my best work friend. We talked a lot at work and had fun hanging out on breaks. Her and her fiance Robert took me out and showed me around a little before I left. They knew I was different but they never judged me.
One day in the tow truck with Ty he said "So... your not going to be happy with me, but..." Conversations that started like this never end well between him and I, lol. But this one was different. He was approached by someone asking about me, asking if I was born a female. Ty said yes and offered to talk to me to see if I was open to having lunch with them. This person was also a transman. I have to admit, I felt betrayed by Ty. I had asked several times for him to never talk about my past, with anyone. But after I got over the initial shock and thought about it all, I decided lunch would be a great idea. Afterall, I had never actually talked with another transman before. I talked with my new friend often and began to realize how much we had in common, yet how different we were. I realized I didn't want to live my life dishonestly; I wanted to be proud of who I am no matter who was around. I realized he felt more lost than I did. It made me realize how far I really had come, and still how much father I knew I needed to go.
When we first arrived in NC Ginny and I were barely on speaking terms, and within days we decided not to talk at all. My world crumbled, I couldn't see her and talk to her, to comfort her. I couldn't win her back. However as time passed I decided to send her a text (even though we agreed not to) and we slowly began to talk. We had no options but to talk about our differences, we learned so much about each other. I was happy she was back in my life and as my friend. Yes I still loved her, but not having her in my life at all made me grateful for our friendship. Not only were we getting closer and learning how to communicate but I was learning so much about my self.
For starters I never want to live some where with that amount of trees surrounding me! lol I like to look at nature but not feel like I'm living in the middle of it. It was a beautiful place, but it didn't compare to city life. I decided I didn't want to live in NC anymore, and coincidentally Ginny was playing with the idea of not wanting to move out east. We talked a lot about it and decided to give our relationship another chance. We had grown so much individually that it made us so much closer. The more we talked about her possibly moving to NC to more uneasy she became. So we decided to move to a place we both love and always imagined ourselves ending up. Funny thing is we both had this dream of living in Cali before we ever met. So now we are making this dream come true, together.
I have decided I'm going back to college to get my fire safety certificates, I'm going to be an EMT, and work my way up to work on Flight for Life. Eventually I will go to the fire academy, once I have all my certifications. I will also start going to group sessions at the 'Center' in San Diego for transmen. I will use the resources available for transmen and start my testosterone as soon as I can, and I will be saving for my top surgery. Now I have 7.5 weeks left in Colorado, I feel so anxious!! I have finally found what I want to do and I have found resources to help me in my transition, but I can't do a thing for 2 months! At least I'm not lost anymore though :)
Although I am still young I am not acting foolishly, I am on the road to my dreams. I am confident in who I am, and I know what I want in life. I have a long road ahead of me, it will never be easy and nothing will be 'perfect' but I am prepared for it. I have lost many people in this journey but I now know who my family is, I see who my true friends are, and I know where my support lies. I don't expect San Diego to have all the answers, but it's one hell of a start to making all my dreams come true. And get an awesome tan while I'm at it :)
The Sorensen family was planning on moving to NC the summer of 2010. And at the time (summer of '09) I was feeling a bit lost, wasn't sure where I was going in life, I was very frustrated with my transition process, and still very much in love with my best friend who wasn't ready for a relationship. I was hurting myself by staying so close. One day as a joke I said I should just move to NC before anyone else so I could get on my feet by myself, and look for places for the family. Well the joke turned into reality, and I was scared as hell. I tried to convince myself that it was for the best. I knew I needed the space to move on and I needed to support myself, but did I really need 1600 miles? Yes. The more I thought about it the more I knew that if I stayed it would do me no good. It's like the saying "if you love someone, let them go and if they come back to you, it was meant to be." I had to let go, I had to move on. My move across the country wasn't all about me and the love of my life, it was also about finding myself, and figuring things out on my own.
I was lost in so many ways! I came out as a transman in October 2007, the only thing I had accomplished by 2009 was legally changing my name. And the only reason I did that was because I was moving and I NEEDED that fresh start as Justin. I was tired of starting new jobs with 'Kristina' as my legal name. I was so scared of my own process that I made ridiculous amounts of excuses on why I wasn't further along. No I didn't have the money for health insurance, the therapists, or for the testosterone shots. But there are resources to help, and I didn't look for any. I struggled keeping a job, I blamed it on my transition, I said people didn't understand and when I felt uncomfortable I left, I let other people control how long I worked at a job. I didn't even want to work, because I was ashamed of myself, I was ashamed of my name, my body, and the fact that I have trouble passing. As soon as someone mistakenly called me 'she' I would start to think of quitting. I would correct them, but it didn't always work, some choose to still call me a female. So I quit, every job. Now since I'm being honest and all I know I can't blame my transition on leaving all my jobs. I didn't know what kind of job I even wanted as a career, I like the restaurant business, but do I want to work it forever?? I like working with my hands and doing general labor, but as a career?? So I continued job hoping in hopes of eventually finding something I liked.
As my deadline to move to NC came close, I became a wreck. I didn't want to move, but I felt I must. I knew this was my time to truly find myself and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. I was so afraid of failing and not making it out there. I was terrified of people finding out the 'truth' about me. I withdrew from everyone close to me, mine and Ginny's friendship was falling apart. I hoped that the distance would make us better. I hoped we could mend things and when she went out to NC we would try to start over. I hoped I could really find what I'm supposed to be doing in my life time. But by the way things were looking before I left, my hopes were just a mere dream.
Turns out that move was one of the best things I could have ever done. Ty decided to move with me, and our road trip was fun. At times I regretted us living together, because I felt I should have lived in my own place. But in the end it made us stronger friends, we learned a lot about each other. Our adventure almost tore us apart, but we managed to pick up the pieces and he's still my buddy. I found a job at Popeyes; I was determined not to let this job end like the rest. I had no excuses, my name was changed, and everyone saw who I wanted them to see. I worked my ass off there and within a month of working there they began the process of promoting me to shift leader. But I wasn't happy. Yes I loved being big dog at work, but it just didn't feel right. I had the opportunity to grow with this company and really make a living out of this, but I realized I was tired of working with teenagers, I was tired of rude customers who complained of cold fries. I felt I was better than fast food. I don't look down on anyone who chooses this for their career, but it wasn't for me. I want to help people, but not like this.
While working at Popeyes I met a few special people who I have maintained a friendship with. Mainly Cheryl, she was a co-worker and became my best work friend. We talked a lot at work and had fun hanging out on breaks. Her and her fiance Robert took me out and showed me around a little before I left. They knew I was different but they never judged me.
One day in the tow truck with Ty he said "So... your not going to be happy with me, but..." Conversations that started like this never end well between him and I, lol. But this one was different. He was approached by someone asking about me, asking if I was born a female. Ty said yes and offered to talk to me to see if I was open to having lunch with them. This person was also a transman. I have to admit, I felt betrayed by Ty. I had asked several times for him to never talk about my past, with anyone. But after I got over the initial shock and thought about it all, I decided lunch would be a great idea. Afterall, I had never actually talked with another transman before. I talked with my new friend often and began to realize how much we had in common, yet how different we were. I realized I didn't want to live my life dishonestly; I wanted to be proud of who I am no matter who was around. I realized he felt more lost than I did. It made me realize how far I really had come, and still how much father I knew I needed to go.
When we first arrived in NC Ginny and I were barely on speaking terms, and within days we decided not to talk at all. My world crumbled, I couldn't see her and talk to her, to comfort her. I couldn't win her back. However as time passed I decided to send her a text (even though we agreed not to) and we slowly began to talk. We had no options but to talk about our differences, we learned so much about each other. I was happy she was back in my life and as my friend. Yes I still loved her, but not having her in my life at all made me grateful for our friendship. Not only were we getting closer and learning how to communicate but I was learning so much about my self.
For starters I never want to live some where with that amount of trees surrounding me! lol I like to look at nature but not feel like I'm living in the middle of it. It was a beautiful place, but it didn't compare to city life. I decided I didn't want to live in NC anymore, and coincidentally Ginny was playing with the idea of not wanting to move out east. We talked a lot about it and decided to give our relationship another chance. We had grown so much individually that it made us so much closer. The more we talked about her possibly moving to NC to more uneasy she became. So we decided to move to a place we both love and always imagined ourselves ending up. Funny thing is we both had this dream of living in Cali before we ever met. So now we are making this dream come true, together.
I have decided I'm going back to college to get my fire safety certificates, I'm going to be an EMT, and work my way up to work on Flight for Life. Eventually I will go to the fire academy, once I have all my certifications. I will also start going to group sessions at the 'Center' in San Diego for transmen. I will use the resources available for transmen and start my testosterone as soon as I can, and I will be saving for my top surgery. Now I have 7.5 weeks left in Colorado, I feel so anxious!! I have finally found what I want to do and I have found resources to help me in my transition, but I can't do a thing for 2 months! At least I'm not lost anymore though :)
Although I am still young I am not acting foolishly, I am on the road to my dreams. I am confident in who I am, and I know what I want in life. I have a long road ahead of me, it will never be easy and nothing will be 'perfect' but I am prepared for it. I have lost many people in this journey but I now know who my family is, I see who my true friends are, and I know where my support lies. I don't expect San Diego to have all the answers, but it's one hell of a start to making all my dreams come true. And get an awesome tan while I'm at it :)
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