I find my self often struggling with being labeled as a transman. Don't get me wrong I'm very proud of who I am and how far I have come, but why can't I just be Justin? I often read other FTM blogs, and there was one particular blog that was giving advice on how to 'fit in' to society, he suggested to find all new friends who don't know your past. This whole blog was telling us to live in secret, 'cause once your friends know or if you choose to keep friends from the past they will never look at you the same. You'll never be looked at as just one of the guys, you'll always be the transman. I understood where the author of this blog was coming from, because before I 'came out' I actually thought about running away and creating a whole new life for myself. I just want to be a normal guy, but I'm not. You would think I would just get over it and accept that no one in my life see's me as simply Justin, instead they all see me as 'different'. Well I'm just not there yet, I'm not willing to cut anymore people out of my life, I kinda like my friends :) but I'm not 100% comfortable being labeled all the time.
It's ironic how most people try so hard to find what is unique about themselves, no one want's to be 'normal' many people strive for others to see how 'special' they are. That is until your viewed as different, then suddenly you find yourself searching for what is normal about yourself. Trying to fit in, as just another guy. Almost wanting to avoid the truth, striving to be viewed as normal.
The more I think about it, why would I want to be just Justin, nothing special or different about me, just a regular guy? Why would I want to hide? How could I not show off how strong I am for over coming adversity! I am so proud not only for myself but for the transgender community as a whole. With that said, that does not mean I'm suddenly over my issue with labels or being viewed as 'different'.
I want people to know, yes, but I don't quiet want EVERYONE to know (yet). I don't want to introduce myself as; "Hello my name is Justin, I'm a transman." lol I guess what I'm saying is the new people I meet in my life, I'd like them to know me as Justin, first. But that's not possible, because the minute I open my mouth and talk they know I'm different, my voice isn't exactly very masculine. I was recently told by a friend who just found out I was not a 'normal' guy, that they knew I was unique from the beginning. It was bitter sweet for me, I was happy that they decided to stay friends, yet upset they knew I was different all along. I feel foolish for thinking anyone in my life whether they know or not see's me as just one of the guys, so why do I get upset when I'm told I'm not? I know people at work view me as different, I hear them talk, I see the looks, but that doesn't stop me from trying to pretend they see me as just another male co-worker. Part of me just wants to tell them, then they wouldn't need to question or gossip. I actually think I'm going to invite a couple co workers to my facebook/blog. I know the looks and comments will still be there, but it will be different. If they choose to talk about me, so be it, I can deal with that. But I don't like to hear the 'she?' comments I don't care if they judge me for staying true to myself, that I am proud of.
I could go back and forth all day; on one hand I'm very proud, on the other I want to be seen as 'normal'. I know how people see me, I know I am indeed very unique to the people in my life, and I'm 100% ok with that, as long as you don't tell me I'm not like the other guys, lol. Knowing it and hearing it are still two different things for me. So do I ask you all to constantly tell me I'm different to help me get over it sooner rather than later? Or do I just let time pass and work on it within myself? Either way I a 100% confident I will get over this, fairly quickly. Just writing about it has helped a ton!
Thanks for all the support, and thanks for reading!! :)
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It takes so much strength to stand up for yourself. To believe in yourself and who you truly are. It is beyond words how much you have changed over the last two years, and to imagine where you will be in another two years.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think you will ever be 'done' with the 'process' until you can be 100% comfortable with yourself. With what you are, who you are, where you came from.
Keep being proud of yourself. You deserve it. (and confidence is kinda sexy)
Justin I am really happy that you are becoming more comfortable with who you are! It took a LOT of guts to "come out", and I know it has cost you a lot of people you cared about, but your real friends are still here and SOO proud of you!! I think it takes a lot of strength to be true to yourself and you are showing people every day that you are strong enough to blow off whatever small minded critisizm people throw at you. You have just as much of a right to be happy as anyone else does, and I'm happy for you!!
ReplyDeletePS- Most of those small minded people aren't 'normal', they are just too afraid to admit their 'differences' out loud :)
Thanks Ginny! I can't wait to see where I'll be in two years too! I'm working hard on becoming more and more comfortable with every aspect of myself and my life. There is always something to improve on, that is one thing you have helped me learn. I will never be 'done' and I'm ok with that, as long as I am 100% happy with me.
ReplyDeleteI do believe I keep getting sexier by the day! ;)
Thanks Becky! It means so much to Have great friends like you, to remind me that the one's I cared for but chose not to stick by me, are the one's missing out. :)
ReplyDeletePS- I really liked your PS! Makes me smile :)