Family Ties

This blog is to everyone in the family I grew up in. I want you all to really hear me and try to see where I'm coming from, take your opinions and your pride out of it and just listen.

You all have affected my life in a variety of ways, I didn't used to think it was in a positive way, but as I've grown as a person I have turned your negative influences to be a positive for myself. I grew up with all of you having a big part in my childhood, I stayed or lived with all my aunts/uncle at one point.

Not one of you taught me to not judge people, not one of you taught me to love people for who they are and not for their color or background, not one of you taught me to not discriminate against people for their sexual identity or their gender identity. Not one of you taught me to be proud of who I am. Instead I often heard do as I say not as I do, that is hard for a child to understand, I see you laughing at and talking about the man in the store dressed as a woman, none of you took a second to think; maybe he really is a female and in the beginning of her transition? I see you making fun of people based on the color of their skin or their heritage, calling every Asian you see a 'gook', or teasing people sometimes your own friends, behind their back because they are gay. Everyone 'different' to you was made the punch line to a joke. Showing me that different was a bad thing. I am not saying I'm perfect or that I don't judge, but because I grew up with what I feel is a very judgment family, I make a conscience effort not to judge others.

My point of this blog is to explain my side on why I walked away 3 years ago. Most of you feel I walked away because of someone else, that you are not to blame, or that I walked away because I just needed to find myself. Well you couldn't be further from the truth. You all were the reason I left. I was so scared to tell my own family I was a transman, I feared you judging me and talking badly about me behind my back, but acting supportive to my face. I even feared I wouldn't be accepted and you all would walk away from me. I told all of my friends before I could gather the courage to tell any of my family, I called or met each of you separately to tell you, I gave you the respect I was hoping to get in return. I hit a brick wall with most of you, you all had already judged me and assumed I was gay. I don't feel you ever let go of my sexual identity, most of you only talked about who I liked, who I was with, what parts/surgeries I was going to get to be a real man. You didn't take a step back and really hear me, none of this has to do with who I am attracted to! Sexual identity and gender identity are two very different things. I couldn't get that through to you. When I announced I was changing my name, everyone wanted their opinion heard as to what my name should be, but no one asked what I wanted. Hell some asked for me to just shorten my name to Kris, so that they could remember it better. This is not about you. I have always been more conservative and often I was pushed around, I was easy to control, but not anymore. I found my confidence and I fought back, I have known myself as Justin since I was at least 5 years old. I was not going to change my mind, I don't care if it's not a family name or if you like it or won't remember it, I just don't care. It's my name, I like it and I feel it fits me, that's what I care about. Every corner I turned I felt resistance from you all in one way or another. Whether you were trying to 'be more involved' but I felt you were just trying to control my own transition. I was 21 years old, old enough to take care of my self. I didn't need you to tell me if you agreed or not, I didn't need you questioning who I was sleeping with, I didn't need you refusing to say 'he' or call me by Justin. I needed you to for once take a side line view and just support me. None of you could seem to do that. I felt rejected, unwelcome, and not accepted. That is why I walked away. I understand it may have hurt some of you, but you need to understand you hurt me. I needed people in my life who would support me and be there if and when I needed some one to talk to, I didn't need you trying to do it for me, or question every step I took. Again, all I wanted/needed was support, and I didn't feel it from anyone. So I changed my number and walked away.

I do not regret my decision, you all talk so much about how important family is, yet half of you aren't talking to someone in your own family. Uncle Jasper recently told me, "Most crying at funerals are because they have not made up." Honestly think about it, if the people you are mad at and refusing to talk to died today, when you attended their funeral would you be sad and regretful of how you've acted? Let go of your current anger for the moment and could you say that you will not miss them when they are gone, or wish you would have been a better family member to them? This may sound very rude, but I made sure that when I walked away that I had no regrets, if anyone passed away I would not regret not talking to them. I walked away for a reason. Although I did missed my brother very much, I never wanted to lose that relationship. He meant the world to me, and he didn't do anything wrong. He never even knew what was going on, one day I was there and the next I wasn't. I did what I had always promised him I wouldn't, I left. This hurt me more than you'll ever know, I knew I couldn't only have a relationship with him and not others, once your apart of one person's life your suddenly apart of everyone's.

I am not back as a part of this family now, I don't need this family. I am very capable of taking care of my self. Whether you choose to see it and admit it you all hurt me, I didn't have a choice but to leave. I'm extremely happy to be apart of Joshua's life and plan on having a good relationship with him from here on out. I added everyone on FB to help avoid drama and gossip, this way everyone see's and reads the same thing, no more of "he said this to me", and "he only talks and trusts me, not you." The truth is I have all my walls up to all of you, I do not trust anyone.

Everyone suddenly accepts me now and has nothing but nice words for me, don't get me wrong it's nice to hear, but I have a hard time believing it. I know some of you still refer to me as Kristina, and only say Justin if I'm in the room, and you still say 'she' if I'm not around. That is not accepting me, unless you make a conscience effort when I'm not around. I honestly don't care how you refer to me or what you say about me, because you are not directly apart of my life. I have an excellent support system that I have surrounded myself with, a family that never questioned me, they simply loved me and made the adjustments needed to accept me, and great friends who choose to stick by me. I understand you all may take this as me being cold or rude, but I did not name names and call people out for a reason, this is not all about you, this is how I feel and my side of things. I felt very misunderstood, and I never felt the acceptance I was in need of.